Hyppolita's Rap Sheet
Hyppolita
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Inmate Blurb:
" You are entering Hyppolita's cell
Proud rock-paper-shiv silver medalist - you are now terrified of me, aren't you? yeah!
I don't attack or mug unprovoked, otherwise it's because of gang affiliation.
I don't whine. I don't beg. I'd rather train my butt off.
Hyppolita's diary
Yeah I know. My name is ridiculous and it's not even spelled right. No wonder I rebelled against the whole world and turned early to a life of crime. What were my parents thinking. They should have been neutered at birth so they could not have chlidren.
NJ prison, day 1 IRL
Hitlisted by BloodnMoney (aka "the day 1 newbie basher") for not wanting to work for him. Did not accept his money either. Learned how to sneak out to the gym so I can keep training despite being attacked every 15 minutes.
Day 2
The relentless attacks leave me no choice but to train between 1am and 3am.
Day 3
Training hard at night. Getting bulkier and faster. Won my first fight ever.
Sabian [P8] attacked you! You won and hospitalized him for 75 minutes!
Day 4
No longer a victim. Training is paying off. Mugged one of my repeated attackers and took $150,000 from him. Will be funding my training at the gym with that cash. I love that gym.
Day 5
A man with black hair and sunglasses saw me mug of my attackers. Uh oh.... But he only said, after taking a cigarette puff : " good for you girl". He then disappeared in the shadows. Phew. I don't know much about him aside from his code name : Cell_Block2014.
Day 6
Playing a lot of rock-paper-shiv, the best game on earth. No, the whole universe. Looks like I found myself a new hobby I can really be passionate about. I mean, now that I found it, I actually realize there was this void in my life.
Day 7
Hitlisted again by BloodnMoney. Yawn. I can't even think of a reason why lol
Day 8
Will be transfered tomorrow to San Quentin. Guess I'll go back to the bottom of the food chain again. And up again.
Day 10
Been told I was the hardest trainer in San Quentin yesterday. It's cool, but there is this saying among new inmates : no matter how hard you train, you are always someone else's fish food.
Day 11
You wouldn't believe the number of people who assault me unprovoked, then go to sleep with millions in cash lying around their cell. Come to mommy, my cute little dollar bills.
Day 12
I was walking back to my cell and I saw from a distance someone quickly stuff a bit of money under my mattress. It seemed like he didn't want to be noticed. It's probably because of the giant sign at the entrance of my cell that says :
"No money gifts please. I REPEAT : no money, is that clear?"
I know that guy. He's covered with blue tatoos and he has so many it's like his skin his blue. People call him smerrf. I've often seen smerrf at the gym late at night. He has always been friendly, and now I suspect he might be watching out for me like a big brother.
Day 18
Training harder because I'm being transferred to Putnam soon. Here in San Quentin things have been very quiet, aside from the occasional suicide attack on my person. Otherwise people leave me alone because of my charm. Ok, I'd wish. It's most probably because I'm really bulky for a girl. It won't be so quiet in Putnam where inmates are tougher. I hear some of them have really high tech equipment in their cell.
Day 19
Was on fire today and achieved the 3rd highest score ever in a game of Rock-Paper-Shiv!!! On my god, it's better than sex!!! Was able to achieve this historic high score with the help of Cell_Block2014 who acted as my bodyguard. His protection enabled me to fully concentrate on my performance. Also had a bright blue computer offered to me as a prize, which I'm really excited about.
Day 21
A girl came to me as I was settling into Putnam today. She was flexing her not terribly impressive muscles. "Give me money or I'll attack you". I don't give in to extortion. Keep hitting me all you want and just watch me train.
Day 22
Managed to add over 10,000 speed to my stats since yesterday with the little equipment I own. Phew, that was grueling. But I was finally able to mug over $400,000 out of the blackmailer. GYM POWER!
Day 23
Crappy day being given a lecture from someone who mistook himself for my father. He says mugging upsets people, so it's veryyyy baaaad. What a load of crap. I'm not going to apologize for mugging in retaliation. He probably wants me to wear a "Kick Me" sign on my back.
Day 24
Achieved the 2nd highest score of all time in the Rock-Paper-Shiv tournament today! Whooo hooo! Only nerdy Simon stood between me and the high score, and he finally beat me. I admit I fantasize about putting a hit on nerdy Simon.
Day 25
I have 666 hot dogs in my cell. Oh my God. I'm going to choke on one. I'm going to die.
Day 26
The blackmailer attacked me while I was sleeping. I was having nightmares about nerdy Simon beating me at rock-paper-shiv. Not fully realizing what was happening, I had the reflex of hitting her back hard. I realized she wasn't Simon only a few minutes later, when I fully emerged from sleep. I was kind of disappointed but beating up someone who has tried to bully you is nice too. GYM POWER!
05/19/2014 12:26pm
leethurnheer [LA] attacked you! You won and hospitalized her for 69 minutes!
Day 28
I was one throw away from getting the all-time high score at rock-paper-shiv, but I lost. Great, now I can't publish my "RPS for dummies" book. It would have been a best-seller and I would have become rich. I feel I'm sinking into a deep depression. Putnam being so boring doesn't help. It's bad to the point that I stopped training. An existential question also started to haunt me : cheap amens now, or more expensive and space friendly amens only much later? To be or not to be?
Day 32
Still hasn't resumed training and still very depressed. Staring at my cell ceiling all day, I considered for a while starting a cult. I finally decided to try some cell raiding which I had never done before. One night I managed to grab an amen in the darkness, only to find out it was a computer chair. Oh great, I already have two, dammit. Missing the RPS high score and now this?? I must have done something to offend the gods. But at least raiding keeps my mind off things. Still not in the mood to train.
Day 33
My blue friend smerrf has asked me to join his gang. I'm really flattered because the other gang members are much stronger than I am. Unlike others smerrf has never tried to grab my butt, so I know my butt is not the reason why he invited me to join. But still, I now need to prove my worth to the world since I'm weaker than the others. Otherwise people will say I'm trying to hanky panky my way up the prison ladder. And nobody would respect me any longer. Respect is by far the most important thing in prison.
Day 35
Started my new life quest, trying to prove to the world I'm not exchanging various forms of hanky panky for protection, training items, amens and what not. So as a first step I've mugged a couple of people belonging to a rival gang. The higher ups were pleased. And for a moment there, while mugging others, I felt alive again. Victims swearing at me, empty threats.... all of that reminded me of when I used to welcome every new day as a stimulating challenge.
Day 36
Hoping to get myself on the way to recovery from depression, I've decided to stalk some old enemies of mine. Success! One had kept $10 million in his cell while he was sleeping. He's now asking why I mugged him. Duh?? Two days earlier I had caught him with 6 million. Again, duh?? More empty threats from his gang. They seem to think sending large sums of cash to a low speed and off-line member is a god-given right. Had to explain they were mistaken and what the 2nd amendment is really about.
Day 37
I'm happy being part of my new gang. They are great guys. Today I lent my toy train, my pride and joy, to another member. Felt all warm and fuzzy inside to help a fellow inmate.
Day 38
I think someone has been breaking into my cell and reading my diary. Because a guy with three letters for a name has left a note suggesting me to update it. He's from SD. Those bulky guys and their high-tech cells scare the hell out of me.
Day 41
Our leader has been MIA for over 2 days now. Was he ambushed by another gang? Was his body buried in the yard? Nobody seems to know what happened to him. I hope we see him soon.
Day 42
He is alive! I don't know more. If I ask questions, I will look like a softie.
Day 43
Managed to break into a cell again and this time got a... dvd player. Crap. And when I returned, the guy's impressive dvd collection was GONE! I'm definitely not good at this. I need to find myself another crime career fast.
Day 45
Nothing much happening other than I've been mugging old enemies. Using the money to make energy drinks reserves for when I'm going to be transferred to Arizona. I better start working on getting a nicer looking cell if I want to get access to some decent training equipment down there. Don't ask, for some reason that's how it works.
Day 46
Two guys I don't know entered my cell without knocking today. They asked if I had bought a flat screen tv for $1 on the market, because that was their property. Wish I did because it sounded like a good deal, but nope. Turned out the seller told them I had sniped it from them. Nope.... They got scammed, and the scammer invented that story to cover his crime and maybe deflect some hostility towards me. Probably because I have been mugging him on a regular basis.... I certainly shall continue then.
Day 48
After saying "good morning" to the prison staff with a smile every day I finally got transferred to a bigger cell. They also provided me with... two mini-fridges?? Gee that is taking a lot of space in my new cell, but it's better than nothing. I better work on that smile if I ever want to get a console. The leader of my gang actually has one of each kind of console in his cell. Really badass would be to own two of every kind..... yeah.
Day 49
Got into a group hug with my gang, but was told to keep it a secret for obvious reasons.
Day 50
There is now a full-blown gang war going on in the big prison. Certain people from a certain gang obviously need to get a life. But now that I think of it... SD is really their life, all their life... It is sad, because things could easily different if they found themselves a good hobby like rock-paper-shiv. Which reminds me I really need to spread the word. It's lonely being the only member of my RPS club. First order of business for me : get off my fat butt and get transferred to Arizona.
Day 51
How many people are peeking in my diary as soon as I get out of my cell?? These are my most secret and personal thoughts! I feel so violated! Case in point : I got threatened over my last entry by the evil gang leader at war with my gang. I never suspected he was a fan of an anonymous inmate from Putnam like me. Maybe I'm much more important than I thought. Maybe I'm a star!! But I don't even know what that gang war is about, exactly. Plus I don't feel that need to prove I have a larger penis than everybody else. On days like today I'm glad I am a girl. Saves me a lot of time worrying, you know, over the size and all. Wow, maybe I'll get hitlisted... "reason: to prove to the bitch I'm an XXL and that I care what strangers write in their diaries".
Day 52
I have this urge. I need to play Fallout 2. Now. Someone must have it in there cell. Or do they watch those Harry Potter dvds all day. They are everywhere for god's sake.
Day 53
Sheesh. Have searched for Fallout 2 all day and found nothing but people sneering at me. "Fallout 1 and 2 are old ass PC games" said my gang buddy rasta. What???? Say that again??? I'm in a prison full of finger twitching heretics, dark worshippers of the console! Life in jail is cruel for those like me who like big pixels.Hey, I'm sorry but I have the right to exist.
Day 54
I left my gang today. I don't know why exactly. I had this dream of a blue godzilla going on a rage rampage and eating his baby godzillas... really weird dream. I couldn't get that strange image out of my head. I thought maybe that was a bad omen, or at lease a sign of some sort.
Day 55
It feels lonely not being part of a gang. I even miss rasta's making fun of my cell size. Punk. Anyways, I crave to be part of a group, something bigger than only myself. Maybe it is a sign that I should give some more thought to my old cult idea.
Day 56
Today in Putnam I saw a guy with Jesus as part of his name. And I thought for sure it was a sign. I remember bonding briefly with him in San Quentin over having the same people taking hits on us. Powerful thing. A very spiritual experience. I didn't know he was in Putnam now. Probably another sign. And so I lured him into a hitlisted support group I created on the spot. Maybe I can somehow make a cult out of it. I don't know. Let's go with the flow.
Day 57
I'm starting to think... maybe if I hadn't smoked that blunt I found in the gang's vault before leaving... I would not see signs everywhere. Blunts are not known to induce hallucinations or bad trips as far as I know, but then I do bad trip on Tylenol and coffee. And I'm saying what alcohol does to me. I need to create another support group for people like me. Hey, I think I'm on a roll here! I'm going to touch lives and change the world from my cell, wow! Way to go girl! My mother always told me I could do great things when I would come home from school with two black eyes.
Day 58
Preparing to move to Arizona. Those mini-fridges are heavy.
Day 59
The day has come for me to transfer to Arizona. I'm so ready to hit the gym again! It's been so long, thought I'd never see the day.... Arizona here I come! Aaaaahhhhh... the feeling of overdosing on energy drinks... fond memories. Before I left I tried raiding one last time and I got.... an old toilet. I need to seriously work on my targetting skills. I wonder if that old toilet is a sign of some kind about my first support group. I'd rather not think about what that could possibly mean. Nothing good obviously.
Day 60
Faith has reunited me with former gang members. Went to a deserted place in order to indulge in a group hug.
Day 61
Today I held the first session of my support group. One person showed up, that Robot_Jesus guy. At least that's a start. When I arrived he was already in my cell, looking around and checking out what I had in my mini-fridge. When I asked : what the hell he was doing in my mini-fridge, he told me he had an "exploratory personality". Oh, great! A curious person will make a good participant in a support group dedicated to understanding and coping with all aspects of life in prison. Our first topic of discussion was "how I refused to use threat and intimidation in this huff and puff environment". Next time I'm thinking of a theme along the lines of "to mug or not to mug, that is the question".
Day 62
Arizona is great! In Putnam rock-paper-shiv paid 3 times the score, here it's going to be 5 times the score! OMG OMG OMG! I just died and went to heaven.
Day 63
The weirdest and most unusual thing happened to me today. At first I believed that I was bad tripping on chocolate bars again. But no, I was clean.
Met my fellow gang member at the gym. Complimented him on his strength and speed. He replied : of course, I am the GOD KING. Laughed hard in his face. This guy owns the world record for cocky, not mentioning an hyper-inflated ego obviously. But later that day I kept running into these freaky people everywhere : in the cafeteria, in the yard, in my cell, while going at the bathroom. They were all telling me "Hail to the GOD KING".... "there is only one GOD KING and his greatness is great"....
Someone obviously had stolen my cult idea!!! Dammit!!! But while pissed off and consumed by jealousy, I had to secretly admit I was impressed. I mean, who cares about those muscle flexing big boys who talk tough because they want to feel manly, and because they'd secretly wish they ran the show? In the end they can never do anything really bad to us. But a guy with followers who worship him?? Wow. That is what I call A MANLY MAN. I suspect he is underaged, otherwise I think I'd be in love. But hey, I don't want to get another stupid conviction. 23 are enough.
Day 64
I'm the best trainer in Arizona this week. Nothing to write home about, but I'm proud to show my gang I'm a hard worker. I had missed training while I was in Putnam this last month.
Day 65
I need to tell my gang mate that training is not a contest. It is not about who is peeing the farthest between the two of us. But for now, back to my zombie movie and my zombie game. Nothing like zombies to relax after another long day of training.
Day 67
OMG OMG OMG Coming back from the gym I saw Mr. Dem0lition in my cell, his two feet on my mini-fridge, eating my chocolate bars, and reading my diary. I don't know whether to write my last will and testament or have a groupie moment. Better play it cool. I acted as I didn't know who he was, walked by my cell hoping he hadn't noticed me and made a u-turn back to the gym.
Day 68
Happy to report I was still alive when I woke up this morning, although hyperventilating a bit. Meanwhile, there are some rumours of a big gang war in SD. I don't know more. But in case something goes down tonight I'm going to invite my support group friend over for some popcorn.
Day 69
Was admitted to infirm today, after getting violent motion sickness from playing a first person shooter game. Some freak girl with a completely bruised face was signing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious in the bed next to me. Or was it a guy? She/he decided to talk to me : "hello, I'm Danni. Welcome to the infirm, this is my second home. Well, it's my first home actually. I always end up here soon after I get out. What's up with you girl, you look weird". Errrr.... me weird? Did Danni look in the mirror recently? To avoid answering I pretended I was constantly throwing up in the bucket next to me.
Day 71
Someone came to me today. He was all hush-hush. and told me to keep a low profile. I replied it was too late. I'm one of the best rock-paper-scissors players this prison has ever seen, so everybody knows me and admires me. Well... in theory they should. That guy who came to me today was yet another one of those inmates with permanent fear in his eyes. It's common in prison. Maybe they feel the urge to crawl on the floor, hoping to go unnoticed. But actually it makes it easier for bullies to walk all over them. I'm certainly not going to go hide in a sewer like a panicked rat for fear of what some unknown bully could possibly do to me in the future. Fear is their weapon, but it is also their only weapon. Refuse to be afraid and they lose all their power. They become nothing more than hurt little boys who can use a big hug. Yes, they are strong and they can attack me to the point I can't even get out of bed. But... so what? My life will not be over. My self-esteem will be unscathed. Yeah, seriously.
Day 72
Trained so hard that later today I will be fit enough to go as a tourist to SD. It will be a welcomed distraction as I'm finding Arizona so quiet lately that I'm now bored to death.
Day 74
What a bunch of cry babies. I train for a week, become as fast as the bullies who have been attacking me constantly regardless of hits, and then mug them when they are stupid enough to keep 5 million off-line. Then I get compliments like :
CharlesManson
07/08/2014 2:44pm Fuck bitch
I never swear and I am always polite with people including cowards, cry babies and bullies. But mainly, if can handle being attacked 25 times by him in total silence, I think he can handle two muggings without whining, no? I always assumed this whole prison stuff was going both ways. Maybe I was wrong? If they attack me when I'm weak and defensless, that is ok. But if I manage to get back at them because I trained hard then I'm a bitch? Oh, i get it. They expect me to roll over and die. Right.
And then his alliance gets huffing and puffing, and threatens me in the name of the fam concept. I say some of them are flexing their muscles hiding comfortably behind Anabisi (whom I have not the pleasure of ever meeting nor talk to). Objectively, seeing what I have achieved in only a week, while being bullied by their minion in AZ, I should be offered membership instead. Gold membership immediately, for character over cowardice. And kick the incompetent one out because he is keeping 5 million off-line with a speed any girl can match without a decent cell. Duh. But I guess they prefer little boys who bully and then go crying to daddy as soon as someone touches their pinkies.
I was glad to finally retaliate and I will do it again whenever I can catch him with important sums of money. It's a great and legitimate way to finance my training. I call it «mugging for a purpose». I am Hyppo the bully stalker! Wait, I had trouble in school with that hyppo thing, better work some more on that slogan.
Day 75
Caught and mugged the bully with $3 million again. Stalking and then coming out of nowhere like a ninja is fun! But he's not being very smart, his gang should be ashamed of him.
Day 76
Anabisi stopped by my cell today and wanted to talk to me. I was surprised, but I was not afraid as I had heard only good things about him. He was indeed very friendly. He didn't know about anything going on and offered me his help if I ever needed it. I didn't ask for anything.
Day 77
I'm really into that ninja thing. I'm practising climbing on walls and hanging from the ceiling all stealthy. But I'm not very good at it and could not get more than 2 feet off the ground. My support group buddy dropped in and commented that I moved more like a bad spiderwoman wanna-be than a real ninja. I must admit he has a point. I should return to the gym instead. I love that gym. Since I came to prison the gym has been the best weapon against bullies of all kinds. Gym power!
Day 79
Today I came to the realization that I will be in prison for a long, long, time... so I started to read about menopause. It will come one day and so I will be prepared.
Day 80
There are people here not old enough to own a driver's license. Those kids can be really annoying as they follow me around all day, begging for attention and some ego boosting. They must be mistaken me for the hot babysitter they used to have, the one they wish they had as a girlfriend.
Day 81
This morning I hanged a sign on my cell's door saying KINDERGARDEN CLOSED. Ahhhhhhhhhhh... finally some peace and quiet from the emotionally demanding kids. Then, attention deprivation set in and they started to throw some temper tantrums. "You disrespected my very respected disrespect, so you're going to be infirmed forever!". "You told my cousin's step brother which is also my third cousin's on my mother's side that I was trying to impress you, so you're never getting out of ICU!". It's cute to see them mimic the insecure big boys around here.
Day 82
I think I've been too hard with the children. Some of them actually have more adult conversation than the gorillas of South Dakota. You can hear them howling and rattling their cage all the way to Arizona, men and women alike. Whatever the reason, it works sometimes for them. I know a lot of people who are scared of going to South Dakota. I say they are empty threats and I know for a fact that I'm not going to die. My only concern is that I could have a hard time finding people with a IQ high enough to play rock-paper-shiv with me. From what I heard I realize a number of them can barely make a sentence : "Ugh. Me hit you when you come because.... duh I forgot but me hit you!". Well, those people sure can't understand a game as intricate and subtle as RPS. Let alone reflect on the Tao of baseball.
Day 83
Not been doing much in Arizona except shopping and working my job of filling surveys. It has been very quiet for the past few days. I might as well pack and go work in SD. Aside from filling surveys and upgrading my cell, this extending field trip will enable me to find out if the gorillas feel better or more manly hitting me/mugging me/raiding me. Just because they can. As far as I'm concerned it's completely and utterly ridiculous. Hey, maybe I can even write a thesis out of it and earn my PhD in anthropology.
Day 84
Well, I have a confession to make. I was completely and utterly wrong. I did find in South Dakota people to play rock-paper-shiv against. Tournaments are taken seriously here and they even pay 9 times the score! Wow! South Dakota can be a sophisticated place after all. I was also able to complete three surveys today and I am actively shopping for a console. This is an exciting time for me.
Day 85
A guy pressured me to I post my picture on the public billboard today. His clumsy cover story was that he was challenging me to do it, saying I didn't have the balls (on that last point he was anatomically correct). Of course he would have snatched the picture. After that, God knows what he would have done in his cell while looking at it. Eeeeeeewwww.
Day 86
Thinking about finding a pen pal instead of writing a diary. Talking to myself gets boring after a while. Also people won't be able to spy on my half of the conversation since I will be sending my letters to the pen pal. Shouldn't be difficult since I hear even serial killers get pen pals. I'm no serial killer, I'm only a political prisoner.
Day 87
It was much more difficult for me than a for serial killer to get in prison. I hope someone can appreciate that and becomes my pen pal on the outside. It all started when they banned fast food and junk food from college campuses and high schools. I would organize sit-ins and eat chocolate to protest. Chocolate gives me rashes but I would do whatever necessary for the god given right to put the food I want in my own body. Especially pizza, fries and chips. It's not my one person sit-ins that got me in prison actually. It was the fines I would get for littering during my protests. All the food I was eating would fall down on the floor when they would have guards remove me from the premises. Of course I refused to pay by principle. And so after 3 years and 104 unpaid fines the authorities finally sent me to prison. I'll stay here until I agree the pay the fines, the judge said. Over my dead body. But mainly I can't pay them.
Day 88
Amnesty International finally replied to my petition to be included in their list of political prisoners. They bluntly pointed out I was no Nelson Mandela. Maybe. But I say they should broaden their horizons a little.
Day 89
I met a young lawyer from an organization dedicated to exonerating the wrongfully convicted. He had not come to see me initially. He had an appointment with an inmate named Scott, who got arrested after getting high on drugs and waking up next to two dead hookers (one female and one male). I gave Scott a couple of blunts and he let me go to the appointment in his place. I also gave the young lawyer a couple of blunts and he agreed to take a look at my case -- even though I'm more of an abusive conviction case, than a wrongful conviction case. Blunts do wonders to blur categories. But what are categories anyway, if not mere constructions of the human mind. *inhaling*
Day 90
The lawyer came back. He said my case was much more complex than it appeared at first glance. He asked for more blunts.
Day 91
When I arrived in SD I was captivated by the most fascinating thing : a big and shiny SOUP POT. I had to have one. Then I went on a short business trip to Arizona. BONG! BONG! was the sound of my usual attackers trying to hit me in the face, but hitting the mighty soup pot on my head instead. I guess they were not expecting that. Of course no soup pot in an otherwise empty cell could resist the high tech equipment they resorted to afterwards. But it was fun. And I might have started a soup pot trend in Arizona.
07/20/2014 1:07pm
guttadee [SP] attacked you! You won and hospitalized him for 22 minutes!
07/21/2014 5:53am
RastaMan21 [MPS] attacked you! You won and hospitalized him for 8 minutes!
Day 92
The lawyer visited me today. He said I omitted important facts about my case, that made it impossible for me to get released. Like I tried to escape from prison 3 times and was serving a total of 102 years for that. Yeah? and so what? They were giving me soft drinks in NJ and it was making me hyper, because sugar makes me hyper. I cannot order freshly pressed orange juice, or sparkling water here. What was I going to do, drink the water from the toiler? Yet again I was a victim of an incoherent and blindly irrational social system. I pointed that out to the lawyer, but I could tell was trying hard not to laugh. So I smacked him in the head with my soup pot. I immediately regretted doing that big time : it made an awful dent in my precious pot. As the guards were running towards me I shouted "PMS! PMS!". They immediately stopped and took a couple of steps back. Smart move on their part. I went back to my cell unescorted.
Day 93
This bright orange suit makes me look fat, and the color isn't flattering on me. I look like a cheese puff.
Day 94
I've been thinking. Why orange? And what happened to freedom of choice in our modern world? Maybe orange to spot us easily in case of an escape. But bright fuchsia would work equally well and mainly would look better on me. I shall launch a campaign to get us fuchsia suits. I can argue to the authorities that fuchsia would be better for the soul. There are no elderly home, no nursery, no day care center, no hospital who use bright orange on their walls or elsewhere. And there is a good reason for that. Orange is a color that makes people alert and aggressive. Like we need to get inmates more aggressive that they already are? Hello?? Another major failing of our nonsense bureaucratic system which does more harm than good. And orange is not a happy color. Bright fuchsia on the other hand makes people think of lollipops and cotton candy. Happy and wholesome memories. The advantages of fuchsia over orange are so overwhelming that I feel this campaign will be a slam dunk.
Day 95
I've launched my campaign to get us bright fuchsia suits. First I went to see the guards with a petition. I explained to them that fuchsia would likely lower the aggression levels and that it would make their work environment safer. They laughed at the thought of the inmates being pissed off wearing fuchsia. They all signed looking forward to make fun of us. YES! All I care about is their support no matter the reason. I knew this would be a slam dunk.
Day 96
Today I went to see the major gang leaders. My spin was that fuchsia would help them and their crew get in touch with their feminine side. I got beaten up all day. Narrow minded testosterone worshippers, that's what you are. They did clearly demonstrate my point though, that orange makes people aggressive. With so many bruises on my face I am now a walking advertisement for soothing fuchsia suits. I call that progress. Now people will have no choice but to realize I'm right.
Day 97
I dreamed all night I was chased around the prison by some enraged fuchsia haters. But I had a holy golden soup pot on my head to protect me and so I was not afraid. I'm sure it meant I was on the right track with my campaign. Anyway, when I woke up I found an inmate lying unconscious on the floor of my cell.
07/26/2014 2:21pm
CharlesManson [WAR] attacked you! You won and hospitalized him for 50 minutes!
It was no fuchsia hater. It was only one of those "small b" bullies who seemed to be fascinated and completely obsessed with me for some reason. I don't really know how I managed to knock that one out. Me thinks sleeping with the soup pot on my head is turning me into a super-heroine with mysterious powers. I should try to paint it green and see if it will bring me even more luck.
Day 99
My support group member Robot asked me what was a "small b" bully. Gee he peeks in my diary too? I now suspect him of being the leak since the support group meetings are held in my cell. I shall watch him closely. For the record by "small b" bully I mean someone with stats that can be compared to mine or someone with relatively weak stats enjoying comfortably the membership of a big alliance. They typically would have no real reason to attack me (I mainly mind my own business) and are only throwing a temper tantrum at me. As opposed to being one of the really scary people with scary stats in SD, who can actually back up their own threats. Wait... I have written those last lines as if I was writing for an audience. This is getting weird. And out of control. I honestly don't know why I keep writing the diary. I have people getting upset over things I write when I'm not even talking about them. It's insane.
Day 98
I was walking by the prison billboard when I saw a hit on me up there. What? that expired hit is still there? It hadn't expired for very long I think, but still how strange... I tried to rip the sheet off, but it's like someone had glued it with super glue. It wouldn't move. It must be one of those fuchsia haters. Well, actually it could be a lot of other people. But for sure this is a conspiracy.
Day 99
Ah, the hit was finally removed. Maybe it's also part of the conspiracy.
Day 100
Hope, at last! A guy named 50Cal came to me in confidence and told me he liked my fuchsia suit idea. He said it would bring out the purple in his flag. Now, that's a man secure enough to wear fuchsia! YES! Converting one inmate at the time! 50Cal... I wonder what that nickname means though. 50 calories? Per day? Maybe he's anorexic. If that's the case then he could certainly use my support group.
Day 101
Thinking about organizing a seminar about how fuchsia is a different color than pink. There might be some confusion in the general prison population, and that could explain the mostly hostile reactions.
Day 103
It's summer and it's been so hot for the past two days. Inmates move slow and stay near their fans in their cells instead of beating up each other. It's kind of quiet.
Day 105
Nothing much happening. Doing some work for the warden and shopping for my cell. It's going well. Found a couple of objects for my cell which will help my training.
Day 107
Rumor has it there is a serial foot licker amongst us. Aka a foot fetishist. Everybody is on edge.
Day 108
We are used to having serial killers here but serial foot lickers that is a whole new threat level. That foot fetishist is said to subdue the toughest of the toughest guys by tickling the bottom of their feet while they sleep. There is absolutely no defense against that. When this maniac has full control over them, then he sucks their big toes. If you get your big toe sucked then it's game over for you here, no one will ever respect you, ever. So a lot of very influential people are taking this serial foot tickler very seriously.
Day 109
A well-known gang leader has been seen going around with only one sock... was he a victim of the serial foot licker?? I would not be surprised if this sick person was taking trophies.
Day 110
There is a serial foot licker hysteria developing in prison right now. I've not removed my shoes or my socks for three days and I'm not washing my feet. I'm hoping for mold to grow between my toes. Everybody else is using the stinking feet defensive strategy.
Day 111
The prison guards threatened to go on strike if nothing was done about the foul odor coming from the inmates shoes. They said it could be hazardous to their health and that they could not work in that environment.
Day 112
There was a riot today after the prison authorities ordered every inmate to take off their shoes and wash their feet. No way we were going to comply.
Day 113
The fire department came with their high pressure water hoses to break the riot and they almost flooded the entire prison. And water had such a high pool chlorine smell... our feet were washed and disinfected against our will! Yet another example of how invasive big government can be. The right to wash or not to wash is as fundamental as the right to put the food I want in my own body. Which is the reason why I ended up in prison. Well, kinda.
Day 114
How are we supposed to protect ourselves against the serial foot licker now that our feet are squeackly clean? They can't put a police officer in front of each and every cell. We have a right to self-defense. If they cannot protect us against dangerous people they themselves put in the same prison as us... we certainly have the right to keep and bear shoes on our feet. It's a natural extension of the 2nd amendment. No doubt about it.
Day 115
I found a sock in my cell with a message in it... if was from H-I-M! It said:
"Dear Hyppolita, would you make those retards stop rioting for God's sake. I need calm to get through my daily hangover and now I'm soaking wet on top of everything. It is so dumb to think smelly feet will disgust me. I love feet, all kinds of feet, and everything about them. Feet can be smelly, it's the way they are. So of course I love smelly. DUH! But anyway tell those half-brained bigots I only engage in consensual erotic activities and that I happen to be turned on by women's feet and not by men's, So they can all calm down and return to their cells. As for you sweetie let me know if you ever feel like experimenting. You have no idea how erotic it can be for a woman to have me taking care of her feet. I will send you to seventh heaven, trust me on that babe. Whenever you are ready hang that sock on a bar of your cell and I will come.
Anonymously yours truly, the feet worshipper".
Day 116
I am still disturbed by the message I received yesterday. I don't know... for some reason I think it would be kind of... nice to have my feet worshipped. But at the same time I am scared.
Day 117
ooooooooohhhhhh....... ahhhhhhhhhh...... ooooooooohhhhhh....... ahhhhhhhhhh......oh yes... yes.... YES!
Day 118
I had the most erotic experience of my life yesterday. That man did things to my feet I could never have imagined. He is more than good, he is a GOD. I hope he can come back tonight because I want more.
Day 119
I expect him later and I can't wait. He has asked me to be less loud this time or he will have to gag me. With him I can't guarantee anything but I will try my best as I know he could be persecuted if identified. Why so much prejudice... if only people knew.
Day 120
A couple days ago, Demolition turned into a zombie and bit me (no he's not the serial foot licker). I thought it was a dream, initially. Mainly because my fight with Demolition ended in a draw. No way that could happen on planet earth, so obviously it was on purpose that my life was spared. Now I'm starting to feel weird. Great. Now what?! I have been playing a lot of zombie games so I was totally prepared for a zombie invasion, but I never thought I could actually be the zombie. I'm kind of upset about the timing. I bought a XBox One yesterday and have not tried it yet. I don't even have a last will and testament. I finally settled on taking a massive dose of vitamin C in the hope of boosting my immune system. Let's wait and see.
Day 121
I'm still feeling weird but I don't think I have turned into a zombie yet. In my favorite zombie game one of my scavengers had found a chainsaw. The sound effects of that game are very realistic and I used to love listening to the sound of that chainsaw slash into a zombie. It was priceless. Now for some reason I don't think it's so cool anymore. I think it's disgusting actually. Is there some kind of Zombie Protection Society? I need to make a complaint against their inhumane treatment in computer games.
Day 121
My secret lover aka the serial foot licker gave me a G-string to wear during our next erotic foot massage session. I told him that I'M NOT IN THE MOOD CAUSE I'M TURNING INTO A ZOMBIE. RAAAARRRR! He replied that zombie feet didn't scare him. Wow. Talk about the power of a fetish.
Day 122
My cell expansion plans are now 30% complete. I cannot let a zombie bite bring my whole life to a halt.
Day 123
OrRrR Ooo Roo Aaaaa ORrr grrRRRRRRr Rrrrrr ara RrRAaA sRRR oOOrrRr RaaAaAAa rRRAaAAAA UHHhhhHH GggrrR uUURR GRR ara RaA nuurg Aaaaa!!
(http://zombietranslator.net/)
Day 124
Ooo ooRrr ggGgRRR gRrRr ara rrAaaa rRroo Aaaaa Ooooo orRR rAaa Ooo grRr Ooooo!!
Day 220
The serial foot licker and a very strong girl have tackled me and force fed me some anti-zombie antidote. Damn! I was really enjoying myself being brain dead.
Day 221
I need a support group session bad because I'm really depressed about returning to my human state. There is nothing wrong with being a zombie! It's only an alternative lifestyle choice.
Day 222
Wow, a lot of people actually came to my support group session, the most ever! Usually, there is only Robot and me (odd, he's not here today). I noticed a woman with glasses doodling on a notepad amongst the participants. Like the others she didn't seem to have enjoyed her experience as a zombie. Not at all, and much to my surprise. And so I decided to shut up about my positive experience. Then people started crying and hugging each other, the standard support group stuff. That made one of the participants very aggressive. I know the guy. He acts like a zombie, but he isn't one. He only has a bunch of unresolved personal issues. Darn, I shouldn't have let him in.
Same Day - Caissa's diary
I'm starting a diary for the first time since high school. Its time to
turn over a new leaf. This girl invited me to her support group for
people who have got turned into zombies. Its time to work on myself and I really don't feel good about that all biting and brain eating stuff. They say that in wine there is truth, so i was kind of wondering if some part of ourselves that we're hiding comes out when we get zombified, you know? Well anyway i went to the meeting with a fresh notebook and two pens, because i hate it when a pen runs out of ink or you drop it and it rolls under some smelly guy and you have to ask for it or look weird getting it.
Things went well at first, we all shared our names and admitted that we had been zombies in the past, most from fights but a few from getting dog bites. The last guy to share though, well we couldn't understand him all he said was larrgh... mruhhahahaa and stuff like that. It seemed like he was being passive aggressive or something. Well, i was half right on that, because he got super aggressive when someone tried to give him a hug and started biting and scratching and did this eyerolling thing that will just about stop your heart. I think in the future we should be more specific that we mean people who have had the zombie virus but have RECOVERED. Back in my cell now, wondering if i should try to get my notebook back from the meeting room. Its still got 98 fresh pages plus two pages of doodles from the first part of the meeting before the zombie berserker... the flame thrower... the fire extinguisher and all that yelling and screaming.
Day 223
I found Caissa's notepad in my cell while trying to do a little cleaning. My God did I do some hoarding while I was a zombie. My cell is much too small to use all those training items. It's going to take months doing surveys for the warden before I get a cell big enough to use all those training items.
Day 224
One neat thing about having been a zombie is that I have assembled a large collection of documentaries, movies and games dealing with world-ending disasters or post-apocalyptic worlds. I remember watching them all day when I was a zombie. My favorite is about the real possibility of a meteor colliding with the earth, like what may have happened to the dinosaurs. Captivating. And of course any scenario involving a deadly virus epidemic is very entertaining. But that's not even the tip of the iceberg!
Day 225
I'm seriously considering starting a diary about all the ways in which the human race - or the earth itself - can be annihilated. Fascinating.
Day 226
I've been so absorbed by my new project that I just noticed I've not seen the serial foot licker for nearly a week. I've looked around the prison but there was no sign of him. I even hung a sox on the my cell door as a lure. That used to work all the time. Maybe he found a way to realize his dream : get out of prison and open a shoe store. I can't help but feel jealous at the thought of all these other feet being lustfully looked at, and so well taken care of. Sigh. What do these feet have, that mine don't have?? I don't know if I will see the serial foot licker again, but he was the most creative and sophisticated man I ever met. He sure knew how to please a woman.
Day 227
That HyppoZombie was such a hoarder. I wasn't surprised to find under my bed a bunch of DVDs with every locker auction show that was ever made. I also found countless documentaries and movies about tornadoes, earthquakes, hurricanes, tsunamis, floods, mudslides, wildfires and of course pandemics. Any natural disaster you can think of. They were annotated according to their "doomsday potential". Most of these had below D+. That's the note given to the 1201 Egypt and Syria earthquake, the deadliest in history. The event as well as its aftermath are believed to have claimed the lives of 1.1 million people. The bubonic plague of 1347-1350, aka The Black Death, understandably got a C-, having wiped out 33% of the entire population of Europe. Not bad. But the best note went to the Plague of Justinian. That first recorded outbreak of the bubonic plague got a C for having killed between 25% to 50% of the known world from 541 to 750.
Day 228
I just made a groundbreaking realization. All this doomsday evaluation demonstrates that zombies are capable of learning some alphabet. At least 6 letters, from A to F. How exciting! They might not be as brain dead as people previously assumed they were. I need to find a zombie scientist that will take my discovery seriously. And one day, hopefully, people might stop discriminating against zombies. They deserve to be understood, not to be hunted down... Sadly prejudice is as old as the world itself.
Day 229
I'm not even halfway through all the stuff the HyppoZombie hoarded. She had lots of stuff about supervolcanoes and the VEI - the volcanic explosive index. That index can go from 0 (effusive) to 8 (apocalyptic), and is the coolest thing.
0=Effusive; 1=Gentle; 2=Explosive; 3=Catastrophic; 4=Cataclysmic; 5=Paroxysmic; 6=Colossal; 7=Mega-colossal; 8=Apocalyptic
Hyppozombie drew a zombie smiley next to the apocalyptic category and gave supervolcanoes a nice B-.
Day 230
That HyppoZombie was so smart. I'm not really surprised though, since she used to be me. Anyways, looking through her supervolcano stuff I learned that a VEI 8 eruption (the Toba eruption, 70 000 years ago) might have nearly wiped out early humans from the planet. Now we're talking doomsday! Six billion tons of sulphur dioxide released into the atmosphere, clouding the sun, might have caused a volcanic winter that lasted to up to a decade. And that was followed by a thousand year of cooling! Around 50,000 years ago, the early human population had shrunk to around 3,000 to 10,000 individuals only. Some scientists do not believe that the Toba eruption is the cause of this human brush with extinction though. But I don't know more because the HyppoZombie scratched and bit and drooled all over that part. She obviously didn't appreciate doubts being casts over one of her favorite doomsday scenarios. Standing up for our beliefs is always good, so good for her! I'm proud of her.
Day 231
Received a letter this morning. I knew there had to be someone, somewhere, who would take me and the HyppoZombie seriously!
(note to reader : thanks to a fellow inmate for this guest diary entry!).
Dear Ms. HyppoZombie,
A hearty mwhuahahahaa to you as well! Thank you for your interest in our work in cataloguing the world's greatest disasters both real and potential. Its so hard to pick a favorite, but since you asked, I've always been partial to the Yellow River flood that killed between 900,000 and 2,000,000 in 1887. Its no Bubonic Plague, but it was swift and completely unexpected. Cyclones, Tsunamis and Floods are often overlooked by Western disaster specialists. Thank you also for your donation of a hunk of zombie flesh, its quite fresh even though it was in an envelope for some days. Its fluids did make a goodly portion of your letter illegible so please advise if there is more that we can do for you.
Sincerely,
Dr. Dumas Day
Professor emiritus of Apocalyptics
Meggido University
Day 233
Have tried to reach Dr. Day for the past two days. I had so much more to contribute to the advancement of zombie science. Learned that he has been committed to a mental hospital. Why is this happening? Why now? Life has been so unfair and cruel to me.
Day 234
Bingo! Forget about natural disasters, that's for sissies. The HyppoZombie had discovered that the greatest threats to life will come for outer space! An asteroid or comet impact come naturally to mind of course, but there are so much more. What I like about asteroids though is that we don't have a way to track them all. Scientists might very well notice one coming when it's already too late to do anything about it. An asteroid could very well impact the Earth like... right now.... Or... NOW. Or in 5 seconds... 5-4-3-2-1- NOW! This is what I call living on the edge! How exhilarating!
Day 235
Been browsing the HyppoZombie's best doomsday files before a big asteroid smashes into the Earth. Like... NOW! Of little interest to me are solar storms, who could send humanity back to the Stone Age by destroying electronics and fusing conductive wires everywhere. Not destructive enough for my taste. But the HyppoZombie seemed to appreciate the potential mayhem this occurrence would probably unleash. The only real cool thing is that a major solar storm happened on July 23, 2012 and barely missed the Earth. So I could have been going about my normal business on that day and it would have happened like... NOW!
Day 236
Fellow inmates keep raiding my empty cell and attacking me when I sleep. Don't they have anything better to do knowing the world could be ending like... NOW?
Day 237
I was kind of disappointed today. I had been putting a lot of faith into gamma ray bursts. As far as I could understand, these powerful beams are emitted when a star turns into a supernovae, for instance. Then the burst could hit the Earth and BOOM! Massive lethal radiation exposure! Ozone layer crippled! But gamma bursts are a rare occurrence. To be dangerous they would need to originate in the Milky Way and no farther. They would also need to be oriented relative to Earth. Won't be holding my breath. Sigh.
Day 238
Today I had an intellectual orgasm watching a documentary about the sun turning into a supernova. It cannot get better than this. For sure the sun WILL die and when it does it WILL engulf the Earth. Ok, it is only 5.6 billion years from now, but the process of the sun dying will have destroyed all life on earth well before that, about 600 millions years from now. I spent the rest of the day doing cartwheels in the cafeteria and giving high-fives to whoever I ran into. I feel euphoric right now and I love it.
Day 239
I'm really enjoying shouting DOOM at the top of my lungs in the prison backyard. I could do that all day. It makes me feel so alive!
Day 240
One smartass tried to ruin my doomsday bliss. While I was shouting DOOM, he pointed out humans will likely have migrated to other planets or galaxies before the sun dies. Oh yeah? So what?! You are a dumbass and a naysayer, mister! Even the Universe itself will not always be as we know it. It won't be forever a friendly place for carbon-based life. Or so say the theories about the fate of the universe that the HyppoZombie neatly compiled in a file labelled A+. Bottom line is : we can try to run. We can try to hide. But obliteration is inevitable. Resistance is futile (I heard that before, somewhere...). There is no escape from doom, Mr. Naysayer, and we should all be celebrating that!
Day 240
I tracked down the naysayer of yesterday. I got real close to his stupid face and started shouting : "Big Freeze! Heat Death! Big Rip! Big Crunch! Big Bounce! False Vacuum! And what about a collision-filled Multiverse!". The naysayer actually punched me in the face before I could name all these wonderful theories about the ultimate fate of the universe (and by extension the gloomy faith of carbon-based life). But I'm confident I did get my point across.
Day 241
Someone who once attended my support group session stopped by my cell today. She kindly suggested I might be suffering from zombie post-traumatic stress. Otherwise known as Z-PTS... L.O.L!! I think I laughed at the thought all day. I'm not sick, unless feeling nothing but joy and happiness is a disease. But, later that evening, I became overcame by doubt. I might have some issues indeed. I did call someone a dumbass and a smartass two days ago. I never, ever, used that kind of language before. Perhaps I'm having some anger management issues. Mmmmm.... Food for thought.
Day 242
I'm pretty excited! After working on my cell for so long, I'll finally be able to start training again! whooohooo! Moving back to Arizona until I'm too bulky for them. I just hope nobody sees me when I'm training because my cell is still crappy. I'm having a self-confidence crisis. Wait... I guess that doesn't matter since the world could be ending... NOW! See!!!! One little doom thought and all the negativity in me vanished! This whole doomsday set of mind does wonders. I never had a better outlook on life.
Day 243
Arizona is a strange place. Nobody around here ever heard of fuchsia suits or knows what a serial foot-licker is. I'd usually say I have my work cut out for me, but I don't think I will be staying here for very long. I don't have much training to do until they ship me back to SD.
Day 244
Oh crap. My training consultant says I'm not ready for power training yet. More waiting, arrrggghhhhh!!!!!!!! I'm not sure I'll be waiting here because Arizona is sooooo quiet. I can hear the echo of my own gum bubble bursting. It's that quiet here.
Day 245
I was thinking. There is one thing I'd like to do before the asteroid strikes. I still haven't beaten the rock-paper-shiv record. Who's that number one guy anyway? I need to hire someone to beat the crap out of him. Just as in insurance in case I don't beat his score before the world ends. That would be a shame.
Day 246
Oddly enough I found a dvd with some Doctor Who episodes on them - the modern series. I used to watch the classic series when I was little. I remember having a big crush on the fourth Doctor, except when he would try to stop the Daleks."Exterminate! Exterminate!" How cute they were! And how cute was little me, the mini-Hyppolita, already into anything wanting to exterminate everything! The Daleks were made of cheap cardboard but they were sure trying their best to create havoc. Maybe I will watch some modern episodes tomorrow. It's so quiet here and I'm bored.
Day 247
Whooooooaaaaaaa!!! In one of the modern Doctor Who episodes, of bunch of extraterrestrials gather to witness... the sun turning into a supernova and engulfing the Earth!! Whooooooaaaaaaa!!! For the occasion, the guests in the spaceship decide to listen to "an old earth ballad". And that's Toxic, by Britney Spears. Starting now Toxic is my favorite song ever. Oh.... I better keep that a secret. Those SD people will beat the crap out of anyone listening to Britney Spears. That's like a major crime. I'd even say a mega-crime. Probably a death sentence. And I have no death wish because I want to be alive when that asteroid annihilates all life forms on Earth.
Day 248
A bunch of AZ guys cornered me in the yard and let me know in a threatening way I had to stop listening to Britney Spears. I shouted back at them : would you rather that I listen to BOY GEORGE and the Culture Club? You don't know who he is? Well trust me, knowing you guys you probably wouldn't enjoy that at all. Ok then, would you rather I listened to the SPICE GIRLS?? No??? Then.... B-A-C-K.... O-F-F! It worked and they went scattered around the yard pretty quickly. Hey, I kind of enjoyed that whole intimidation thing. Never had tried it before. Intimidation is in total contradiction with my political and moral beliefs, but hey, I figured there was no harm in trying it. Just that one time.
Day 249
Christmas is not Christmas if it isn't a white Christmas. I should ask for a transfer back to South Dakota soon. They are serious about snow.
Day 250
In the spirit of Christmas, I've been thinking about how I could become a better person next year. One thing I deeply regret is calling other inmates "Neanderthals" at times. It was so unfair to the Neanderthals, because they were actually pretty sophisticated and evolved. For instance, they had a fully developed language centre in their brain, something which seems to be lacking in some of my fellow inmates. Other than that, Neanderthals were not too different from the average AZ or SD prisoner: they too cared for their injured, buried their dead, and appreciated clothing as well as music. Not using them as an insult is also a matter of self-respect. A small fraction of my DNA is Neanderthal after all. It's not just me. All non African humans do carry Neanderthal DNA.
Day 251
Humans and Neanderthals breeding.... making love, not war (obviously, if they were busy making babies)... Spreading knowledge of this ground-breaking fact has the potential to bring about world peace. Wow, I'm proud of me. I have this Christmas spirit thing nailed down. Totally!
Day 252
There is way too much gloom and not enough joy in this prison. Christmas is around the corner for God's sake! I need to do something about it.
Day 253
Decided I would organize a winter theme slumber party for Christmas. I'm going to show "Snowball Earth", one of my favorite movies. It is not technically a movie, it is a documentary. But it is even more fun and exciting to watch. Also, snowballs fit the seasonal theme perfectly.
Day 254
My slumber party is guaranteed to bring some Holiday cheer around here. Much needed cheer. That Snowball Earth stuff is so fascinating. Who wouldn't be mesmerized at the thought of the Earth being entirely frozen, covered in ice for millions of years?! Some believe one such glaciation happened over 650 millions ago and triggered a massive life extinction. Whoohooo!! Very COOL stuff! Other rogue scientists rather believe in a Slushball Earth, an Earth that never entirely froze. I don't even want to hear about it. Eeeewww. Slushballs... disgusting..
Day 255
A lot of people showed up at my Christmas slumber party! I was very pleased by the turnout. But I don't remember any of it after I started the Snowball Earth documentary. Some people told me afterwards I seemed to be hypnotized. All I did all night was stare at the TV screen and drool profusely. And after the documentary was over, I started it again, and watched it over and over again... Nobody knows how many times exactly, because all my guests had left by the time I snapped out of that hypnotic state. The good doomsday stuff has always that effect on me. I guess that's because I'm still in touch with my zombie experience. That's good, because anyone's emotional balance and mental can be impacted negatively by suppressed memories. In a very big way. But I wished I would not drool that much as soon as some cataclysm is mentioned. You wouldn't believe the amount of laundry I have to do nowadays.
Day 256
I stayed in my cell today, just relaxing. I had some dark chocolate with coconut (classic combination), with cranberries (refreshingly cute) and with sesame seeds (intriguing taste). I also read a book about how ordinary men can turn into monsters and commit the worst atrocities in times of war.
Day 257
Got a chocolate hangover. I should have known better. So I stayed again in my cell today, doing some more reading. But it was French magazines this time. I enjoy reading them because they are full of those psychological self-tests with multiple-choice questions. Two of them stood out from the rest. The first one was "for how long would you survive a zombie attack?". I didn't even take that test. Of course I would survive, like, for all my life. Zombies would know instinctively I care about their feelings and would adopt me as one of their own. Slam dunk. The second self-test was "for how long would you survive in a post-apocalyptic world?". I got 72%, which meant according to the magazine that I would survive for a year. Ummmm....
Day 258
I'm not sure these self-tests are reIiable. 72%... I mean.... I know about every possible threat mankind is facing. I understand each one intimately. So obviously my post-apocalyptic readiness is probably one of the best mankind has witnessed except maybe for Noah. But anyway, even if these tests are not to be taken seriously, they still have the potential to be wonderful awareness tools. Shame they are in French, otherwise I would have distributed them to every inmate. The New Year is the perfect time to reflect on what the future holds for mankind.
http://hitek.fr/actualite/test-personnalite-temps-survie-monde-post-apocalyptique_4462
Day 259
OMG I'm running of of pages in my diary. And the warden doesn't want to give me more paper. Any kind of paper. He says the Hyppo-Zombie already stole some insane amount from his office. What to do? I can't live without a diary, It's the only thing I feel keeps me sane. Maybe the world is going to end tomorrow and so I won't need paper anymore. That's rather comforting. That is why I love doomsday scenarios : there is hardly any problem that can't be solved by some cataclysm.
Day 260
Time to wish a Happy New Year to my fellow inmates.
IRL : and yes, I seem to have reached the allowed lenght of a PB profile. Not sure what I will do with the diary yet!
Day 261
Some people think I'm weird... well what about this : just saw an Hippopotamus in Columbia get castrated on TV. Close shot and all. And yes, in Columbia because they were imported there by drug lord Pablo Escobar. They multplied since, and now roam into the wild, sometimes killing people and cattle. I never considered killer hippos in my list of natural cataclysms. I will think about it when I'm a bit less disturbed by the hippo castration images I now have in my head. Eeeww. "
Proud rock-paper-shiv silver medalist - you are now terrified of me, aren't you? yeah!
I don't attack or mug unprovoked, otherwise it's because of gang affiliation.
I don't whine. I don't beg. I'd rather train my butt off.
Hyppolita's diary
Yeah I know. My name is ridiculous and it's not even spelled right. No wonder I rebelled against the whole world and turned early to a life of crime. What were my parents thinking. They should have been neutered at birth so they could not have chlidren.
NJ prison, day 1 IRL
Hitlisted by BloodnMoney (aka "the day 1 newbie basher") for not wanting to work for him. Did not accept his money either. Learned how to sneak out to the gym so I can keep training despite being attacked every 15 minutes.
Day 2
The relentless attacks leave me no choice but to train between 1am and 3am.
Day 3
Training hard at night. Getting bulkier and faster. Won my first fight ever.
Sabian [P8] attacked you! You won and hospitalized him for 75 minutes!
Day 4
No longer a victim. Training is paying off. Mugged one of my repeated attackers and took $150,000 from him. Will be funding my training at the gym with that cash. I love that gym.
Day 5
A man with black hair and sunglasses saw me mug of my attackers. Uh oh.... But he only said, after taking a cigarette puff : " good for you girl". He then disappeared in the shadows. Phew. I don't know much about him aside from his code name : Cell_Block2014.
Day 6
Playing a lot of rock-paper-shiv, the best game on earth. No, the whole universe. Looks like I found myself a new hobby I can really be passionate about. I mean, now that I found it, I actually realize there was this void in my life.
Day 7
Hitlisted again by BloodnMoney. Yawn. I can't even think of a reason why lol
Day 8
Will be transfered tomorrow to San Quentin. Guess I'll go back to the bottom of the food chain again. And up again.
Day 10
Been told I was the hardest trainer in San Quentin yesterday. It's cool, but there is this saying among new inmates : no matter how hard you train, you are always someone else's fish food.
Day 11
You wouldn't believe the number of people who assault me unprovoked, then go to sleep with millions in cash lying around their cell. Come to mommy, my cute little dollar bills.
Day 12
I was walking back to my cell and I saw from a distance someone quickly stuff a bit of money under my mattress. It seemed like he didn't want to be noticed. It's probably because of the giant sign at the entrance of my cell that says :
"No money gifts please. I REPEAT : no money, is that clear?"
I know that guy. He's covered with blue tatoos and he has so many it's like his skin his blue. People call him smerrf. I've often seen smerrf at the gym late at night. He has always been friendly, and now I suspect he might be watching out for me like a big brother.
Day 18
Training harder because I'm being transferred to Putnam soon. Here in San Quentin things have been very quiet, aside from the occasional suicide attack on my person. Otherwise people leave me alone because of my charm. Ok, I'd wish. It's most probably because I'm really bulky for a girl. It won't be so quiet in Putnam where inmates are tougher. I hear some of them have really high tech equipment in their cell.
Day 19
Was on fire today and achieved the 3rd highest score ever in a game of Rock-Paper-Shiv!!! On my god, it's better than sex!!! Was able to achieve this historic high score with the help of Cell_Block2014 who acted as my bodyguard. His protection enabled me to fully concentrate on my performance. Also had a bright blue computer offered to me as a prize, which I'm really excited about.
Day 21
A girl came to me as I was settling into Putnam today. She was flexing her not terribly impressive muscles. "Give me money or I'll attack you". I don't give in to extortion. Keep hitting me all you want and just watch me train.
Day 22
Managed to add over 10,000 speed to my stats since yesterday with the little equipment I own. Phew, that was grueling. But I was finally able to mug over $400,000 out of the blackmailer. GYM POWER!
Day 23
Crappy day being given a lecture from someone who mistook himself for my father. He says mugging upsets people, so it's veryyyy baaaad. What a load of crap. I'm not going to apologize for mugging in retaliation. He probably wants me to wear a "Kick Me" sign on my back.
Day 24
Achieved the 2nd highest score of all time in the Rock-Paper-Shiv tournament today! Whooo hooo! Only nerdy Simon stood between me and the high score, and he finally beat me. I admit I fantasize about putting a hit on nerdy Simon.
Day 25
I have 666 hot dogs in my cell. Oh my God. I'm going to choke on one. I'm going to die.
Day 26
The blackmailer attacked me while I was sleeping. I was having nightmares about nerdy Simon beating me at rock-paper-shiv. Not fully realizing what was happening, I had the reflex of hitting her back hard. I realized she wasn't Simon only a few minutes later, when I fully emerged from sleep. I was kind of disappointed but beating up someone who has tried to bully you is nice too. GYM POWER!
05/19/2014 12:26pm
leethurnheer [LA] attacked you! You won and hospitalized her for 69 minutes!
Day 28
I was one throw away from getting the all-time high score at rock-paper-shiv, but I lost. Great, now I can't publish my "RPS for dummies" book. It would have been a best-seller and I would have become rich. I feel I'm sinking into a deep depression. Putnam being so boring doesn't help. It's bad to the point that I stopped training. An existential question also started to haunt me : cheap amens now, or more expensive and space friendly amens only much later? To be or not to be?
Day 32
Still hasn't resumed training and still very depressed. Staring at my cell ceiling all day, I considered for a while starting a cult. I finally decided to try some cell raiding which I had never done before. One night I managed to grab an amen in the darkness, only to find out it was a computer chair. Oh great, I already have two, dammit. Missing the RPS high score and now this?? I must have done something to offend the gods. But at least raiding keeps my mind off things. Still not in the mood to train.
Day 33
My blue friend smerrf has asked me to join his gang. I'm really flattered because the other gang members are much stronger than I am. Unlike others smerrf has never tried to grab my butt, so I know my butt is not the reason why he invited me to join. But still, I now need to prove my worth to the world since I'm weaker than the others. Otherwise people will say I'm trying to hanky panky my way up the prison ladder. And nobody would respect me any longer. Respect is by far the most important thing in prison.
Day 35
Started my new life quest, trying to prove to the world I'm not exchanging various forms of hanky panky for protection, training items, amens and what not. So as a first step I've mugged a couple of people belonging to a rival gang. The higher ups were pleased. And for a moment there, while mugging others, I felt alive again. Victims swearing at me, empty threats.... all of that reminded me of when I used to welcome every new day as a stimulating challenge.
Day 36
Hoping to get myself on the way to recovery from depression, I've decided to stalk some old enemies of mine. Success! One had kept $10 million in his cell while he was sleeping. He's now asking why I mugged him. Duh?? Two days earlier I had caught him with 6 million. Again, duh?? More empty threats from his gang. They seem to think sending large sums of cash to a low speed and off-line member is a god-given right. Had to explain they were mistaken and what the 2nd amendment is really about.
Day 37
I'm happy being part of my new gang. They are great guys. Today I lent my toy train, my pride and joy, to another member. Felt all warm and fuzzy inside to help a fellow inmate.
Day 38
I think someone has been breaking into my cell and reading my diary. Because a guy with three letters for a name has left a note suggesting me to update it. He's from SD. Those bulky guys and their high-tech cells scare the hell out of me.
Day 41
Our leader has been MIA for over 2 days now. Was he ambushed by another gang? Was his body buried in the yard? Nobody seems to know what happened to him. I hope we see him soon.
Day 42
He is alive! I don't know more. If I ask questions, I will look like a softie.
Day 43
Managed to break into a cell again and this time got a... dvd player. Crap. And when I returned, the guy's impressive dvd collection was GONE! I'm definitely not good at this. I need to find myself another crime career fast.
Day 45
Nothing much happening other than I've been mugging old enemies. Using the money to make energy drinks reserves for when I'm going to be transferred to Arizona. I better start working on getting a nicer looking cell if I want to get access to some decent training equipment down there. Don't ask, for some reason that's how it works.
Day 46
Two guys I don't know entered my cell without knocking today. They asked if I had bought a flat screen tv for $1 on the market, because that was their property. Wish I did because it sounded like a good deal, but nope. Turned out the seller told them I had sniped it from them. Nope.... They got scammed, and the scammer invented that story to cover his crime and maybe deflect some hostility towards me. Probably because I have been mugging him on a regular basis.... I certainly shall continue then.
Day 48
After saying "good morning" to the prison staff with a smile every day I finally got transferred to a bigger cell. They also provided me with... two mini-fridges?? Gee that is taking a lot of space in my new cell, but it's better than nothing. I better work on that smile if I ever want to get a console. The leader of my gang actually has one of each kind of console in his cell. Really badass would be to own two of every kind..... yeah.
Day 49
Got into a group hug with my gang, but was told to keep it a secret for obvious reasons.
Day 50
There is now a full-blown gang war going on in the big prison. Certain people from a certain gang obviously need to get a life. But now that I think of it... SD is really their life, all their life... It is sad, because things could easily different if they found themselves a good hobby like rock-paper-shiv. Which reminds me I really need to spread the word. It's lonely being the only member of my RPS club. First order of business for me : get off my fat butt and get transferred to Arizona.
Day 51
How many people are peeking in my diary as soon as I get out of my cell?? These are my most secret and personal thoughts! I feel so violated! Case in point : I got threatened over my last entry by the evil gang leader at war with my gang. I never suspected he was a fan of an anonymous inmate from Putnam like me. Maybe I'm much more important than I thought. Maybe I'm a star!! But I don't even know what that gang war is about, exactly. Plus I don't feel that need to prove I have a larger penis than everybody else. On days like today I'm glad I am a girl. Saves me a lot of time worrying, you know, over the size and all. Wow, maybe I'll get hitlisted... "reason: to prove to the bitch I'm an XXL and that I care what strangers write in their diaries".
Day 52
I have this urge. I need to play Fallout 2. Now. Someone must have it in there cell. Or do they watch those Harry Potter dvds all day. They are everywhere for god's sake.
Day 53
Sheesh. Have searched for Fallout 2 all day and found nothing but people sneering at me. "Fallout 1 and 2 are old ass PC games" said my gang buddy rasta. What???? Say that again??? I'm in a prison full of finger twitching heretics, dark worshippers of the console! Life in jail is cruel for those like me who like big pixels.Hey, I'm sorry but I have the right to exist.
Day 54
I left my gang today. I don't know why exactly. I had this dream of a blue godzilla going on a rage rampage and eating his baby godzillas... really weird dream. I couldn't get that strange image out of my head. I thought maybe that was a bad omen, or at lease a sign of some sort.
Day 55
It feels lonely not being part of a gang. I even miss rasta's making fun of my cell size. Punk. Anyways, I crave to be part of a group, something bigger than only myself. Maybe it is a sign that I should give some more thought to my old cult idea.
Day 56
Today in Putnam I saw a guy with Jesus as part of his name. And I thought for sure it was a sign. I remember bonding briefly with him in San Quentin over having the same people taking hits on us. Powerful thing. A very spiritual experience. I didn't know he was in Putnam now. Probably another sign. And so I lured him into a hitlisted support group I created on the spot. Maybe I can somehow make a cult out of it. I don't know. Let's go with the flow.
Day 57
I'm starting to think... maybe if I hadn't smoked that blunt I found in the gang's vault before leaving... I would not see signs everywhere. Blunts are not known to induce hallucinations or bad trips as far as I know, but then I do bad trip on Tylenol and coffee. And I'm saying what alcohol does to me. I need to create another support group for people like me. Hey, I think I'm on a roll here! I'm going to touch lives and change the world from my cell, wow! Way to go girl! My mother always told me I could do great things when I would come home from school with two black eyes.
Day 58
Preparing to move to Arizona. Those mini-fridges are heavy.
Day 59
The day has come for me to transfer to Arizona. I'm so ready to hit the gym again! It's been so long, thought I'd never see the day.... Arizona here I come! Aaaaahhhhh... the feeling of overdosing on energy drinks... fond memories. Before I left I tried raiding one last time and I got.... an old toilet. I need to seriously work on my targetting skills. I wonder if that old toilet is a sign of some kind about my first support group. I'd rather not think about what that could possibly mean. Nothing good obviously.
Day 60
Faith has reunited me with former gang members. Went to a deserted place in order to indulge in a group hug.
Day 61
Today I held the first session of my support group. One person showed up, that Robot_Jesus guy. At least that's a start. When I arrived he was already in my cell, looking around and checking out what I had in my mini-fridge. When I asked : what the hell he was doing in my mini-fridge, he told me he had an "exploratory personality". Oh, great! A curious person will make a good participant in a support group dedicated to understanding and coping with all aspects of life in prison. Our first topic of discussion was "how I refused to use threat and intimidation in this huff and puff environment". Next time I'm thinking of a theme along the lines of "to mug or not to mug, that is the question".
Day 62
Arizona is great! In Putnam rock-paper-shiv paid 3 times the score, here it's going to be 5 times the score! OMG OMG OMG! I just died and went to heaven.
Day 63
The weirdest and most unusual thing happened to me today. At first I believed that I was bad tripping on chocolate bars again. But no, I was clean.
Met my fellow gang member at the gym. Complimented him on his strength and speed. He replied : of course, I am the GOD KING. Laughed hard in his face. This guy owns the world record for cocky, not mentioning an hyper-inflated ego obviously. But later that day I kept running into these freaky people everywhere : in the cafeteria, in the yard, in my cell, while going at the bathroom. They were all telling me "Hail to the GOD KING".... "there is only one GOD KING and his greatness is great"....
Someone obviously had stolen my cult idea!!! Dammit!!! But while pissed off and consumed by jealousy, I had to secretly admit I was impressed. I mean, who cares about those muscle flexing big boys who talk tough because they want to feel manly, and because they'd secretly wish they ran the show? In the end they can never do anything really bad to us. But a guy with followers who worship him?? Wow. That is what I call A MANLY MAN. I suspect he is underaged, otherwise I think I'd be in love. But hey, I don't want to get another stupid conviction. 23 are enough.
Day 64
I'm the best trainer in Arizona this week. Nothing to write home about, but I'm proud to show my gang I'm a hard worker. I had missed training while I was in Putnam this last month.
Day 65
I need to tell my gang mate that training is not a contest. It is not about who is peeing the farthest between the two of us. But for now, back to my zombie movie and my zombie game. Nothing like zombies to relax after another long day of training.
Day 67
OMG OMG OMG Coming back from the gym I saw Mr. Dem0lition in my cell, his two feet on my mini-fridge, eating my chocolate bars, and reading my diary. I don't know whether to write my last will and testament or have a groupie moment. Better play it cool. I acted as I didn't know who he was, walked by my cell hoping he hadn't noticed me and made a u-turn back to the gym.
Day 68
Happy to report I was still alive when I woke up this morning, although hyperventilating a bit. Meanwhile, there are some rumours of a big gang war in SD. I don't know more. But in case something goes down tonight I'm going to invite my support group friend over for some popcorn.
Day 69
Was admitted to infirm today, after getting violent motion sickness from playing a first person shooter game. Some freak girl with a completely bruised face was signing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious in the bed next to me. Or was it a guy? She/he decided to talk to me : "hello, I'm Danni. Welcome to the infirm, this is my second home. Well, it's my first home actually. I always end up here soon after I get out. What's up with you girl, you look weird". Errrr.... me weird? Did Danni look in the mirror recently? To avoid answering I pretended I was constantly throwing up in the bucket next to me.
Day 71
Someone came to me today. He was all hush-hush. and told me to keep a low profile. I replied it was too late. I'm one of the best rock-paper-scissors players this prison has ever seen, so everybody knows me and admires me. Well... in theory they should. That guy who came to me today was yet another one of those inmates with permanent fear in his eyes. It's common in prison. Maybe they feel the urge to crawl on the floor, hoping to go unnoticed. But actually it makes it easier for bullies to walk all over them. I'm certainly not going to go hide in a sewer like a panicked rat for fear of what some unknown bully could possibly do to me in the future. Fear is their weapon, but it is also their only weapon. Refuse to be afraid and they lose all their power. They become nothing more than hurt little boys who can use a big hug. Yes, they are strong and they can attack me to the point I can't even get out of bed. But... so what? My life will not be over. My self-esteem will be unscathed. Yeah, seriously.
Day 72
Trained so hard that later today I will be fit enough to go as a tourist to SD. It will be a welcomed distraction as I'm finding Arizona so quiet lately that I'm now bored to death.
Day 74
What a bunch of cry babies. I train for a week, become as fast as the bullies who have been attacking me constantly regardless of hits, and then mug them when they are stupid enough to keep 5 million off-line. Then I get compliments like :
CharlesManson
07/08/2014 2:44pm Fuck bitch
I never swear and I am always polite with people including cowards, cry babies and bullies. But mainly, if can handle being attacked 25 times by him in total silence, I think he can handle two muggings without whining, no? I always assumed this whole prison stuff was going both ways. Maybe I was wrong? If they attack me when I'm weak and defensless, that is ok. But if I manage to get back at them because I trained hard then I'm a bitch? Oh, i get it. They expect me to roll over and die. Right.
And then his alliance gets huffing and puffing, and threatens me in the name of the fam concept. I say some of them are flexing their muscles hiding comfortably behind Anabisi (whom I have not the pleasure of ever meeting nor talk to). Objectively, seeing what I have achieved in only a week, while being bullied by their minion in AZ, I should be offered membership instead. Gold membership immediately, for character over cowardice. And kick the incompetent one out because he is keeping 5 million off-line with a speed any girl can match without a decent cell. Duh. But I guess they prefer little boys who bully and then go crying to daddy as soon as someone touches their pinkies.
I was glad to finally retaliate and I will do it again whenever I can catch him with important sums of money. It's a great and legitimate way to finance my training. I call it «mugging for a purpose». I am Hyppo the bully stalker! Wait, I had trouble in school with that hyppo thing, better work some more on that slogan.
Day 75
Caught and mugged the bully with $3 million again. Stalking and then coming out of nowhere like a ninja is fun! But he's not being very smart, his gang should be ashamed of him.
Day 76
Anabisi stopped by my cell today and wanted to talk to me. I was surprised, but I was not afraid as I had heard only good things about him. He was indeed very friendly. He didn't know about anything going on and offered me his help if I ever needed it. I didn't ask for anything.
Day 77
I'm really into that ninja thing. I'm practising climbing on walls and hanging from the ceiling all stealthy. But I'm not very good at it and could not get more than 2 feet off the ground. My support group buddy dropped in and commented that I moved more like a bad spiderwoman wanna-be than a real ninja. I must admit he has a point. I should return to the gym instead. I love that gym. Since I came to prison the gym has been the best weapon against bullies of all kinds. Gym power!
Day 79
Today I came to the realization that I will be in prison for a long, long, time... so I started to read about menopause. It will come one day and so I will be prepared.
Day 80
There are people here not old enough to own a driver's license. Those kids can be really annoying as they follow me around all day, begging for attention and some ego boosting. They must be mistaken me for the hot babysitter they used to have, the one they wish they had as a girlfriend.
Day 81
This morning I hanged a sign on my cell's door saying KINDERGARDEN CLOSED. Ahhhhhhhhhhh... finally some peace and quiet from the emotionally demanding kids. Then, attention deprivation set in and they started to throw some temper tantrums. "You disrespected my very respected disrespect, so you're going to be infirmed forever!". "You told my cousin's step brother which is also my third cousin's on my mother's side that I was trying to impress you, so you're never getting out of ICU!". It's cute to see them mimic the insecure big boys around here.
Day 82
I think I've been too hard with the children. Some of them actually have more adult conversation than the gorillas of South Dakota. You can hear them howling and rattling their cage all the way to Arizona, men and women alike. Whatever the reason, it works sometimes for them. I know a lot of people who are scared of going to South Dakota. I say they are empty threats and I know for a fact that I'm not going to die. My only concern is that I could have a hard time finding people with a IQ high enough to play rock-paper-shiv with me. From what I heard I realize a number of them can barely make a sentence : "Ugh. Me hit you when you come because.... duh I forgot but me hit you!". Well, those people sure can't understand a game as intricate and subtle as RPS. Let alone reflect on the Tao of baseball.
Day 83
Not been doing much in Arizona except shopping and working my job of filling surveys. It has been very quiet for the past few days. I might as well pack and go work in SD. Aside from filling surveys and upgrading my cell, this extending field trip will enable me to find out if the gorillas feel better or more manly hitting me/mugging me/raiding me. Just because they can. As far as I'm concerned it's completely and utterly ridiculous. Hey, maybe I can even write a thesis out of it and earn my PhD in anthropology.
Day 84
Well, I have a confession to make. I was completely and utterly wrong. I did find in South Dakota people to play rock-paper-shiv against. Tournaments are taken seriously here and they even pay 9 times the score! Wow! South Dakota can be a sophisticated place after all. I was also able to complete three surveys today and I am actively shopping for a console. This is an exciting time for me.
Day 85
A guy pressured me to I post my picture on the public billboard today. His clumsy cover story was that he was challenging me to do it, saying I didn't have the balls (on that last point he was anatomically correct). Of course he would have snatched the picture. After that, God knows what he would have done in his cell while looking at it. Eeeeeeewwww.
Day 86
Thinking about finding a pen pal instead of writing a diary. Talking to myself gets boring after a while. Also people won't be able to spy on my half of the conversation since I will be sending my letters to the pen pal. Shouldn't be difficult since I hear even serial killers get pen pals. I'm no serial killer, I'm only a political prisoner.
Day 87
It was much more difficult for me than a for serial killer to get in prison. I hope someone can appreciate that and becomes my pen pal on the outside. It all started when they banned fast food and junk food from college campuses and high schools. I would organize sit-ins and eat chocolate to protest. Chocolate gives me rashes but I would do whatever necessary for the god given right to put the food I want in my own body. Especially pizza, fries and chips. It's not my one person sit-ins that got me in prison actually. It was the fines I would get for littering during my protests. All the food I was eating would fall down on the floor when they would have guards remove me from the premises. Of course I refused to pay by principle. And so after 3 years and 104 unpaid fines the authorities finally sent me to prison. I'll stay here until I agree the pay the fines, the judge said. Over my dead body. But mainly I can't pay them.
Day 88
Amnesty International finally replied to my petition to be included in their list of political prisoners. They bluntly pointed out I was no Nelson Mandela. Maybe. But I say they should broaden their horizons a little.
Day 89
I met a young lawyer from an organization dedicated to exonerating the wrongfully convicted. He had not come to see me initially. He had an appointment with an inmate named Scott, who got arrested after getting high on drugs and waking up next to two dead hookers (one female and one male). I gave Scott a couple of blunts and he let me go to the appointment in his place. I also gave the young lawyer a couple of blunts and he agreed to take a look at my case -- even though I'm more of an abusive conviction case, than a wrongful conviction case. Blunts do wonders to blur categories. But what are categories anyway, if not mere constructions of the human mind. *inhaling*
Day 90
The lawyer came back. He said my case was much more complex than it appeared at first glance. He asked for more blunts.
Day 91
When I arrived in SD I was captivated by the most fascinating thing : a big and shiny SOUP POT. I had to have one. Then I went on a short business trip to Arizona. BONG! BONG! was the sound of my usual attackers trying to hit me in the face, but hitting the mighty soup pot on my head instead. I guess they were not expecting that. Of course no soup pot in an otherwise empty cell could resist the high tech equipment they resorted to afterwards. But it was fun. And I might have started a soup pot trend in Arizona.
07/20/2014 1:07pm
guttadee [SP] attacked you! You won and hospitalized him for 22 minutes!
07/21/2014 5:53am
RastaMan21 [MPS] attacked you! You won and hospitalized him for 8 minutes!
Day 92
The lawyer visited me today. He said I omitted important facts about my case, that made it impossible for me to get released. Like I tried to escape from prison 3 times and was serving a total of 102 years for that. Yeah? and so what? They were giving me soft drinks in NJ and it was making me hyper, because sugar makes me hyper. I cannot order freshly pressed orange juice, or sparkling water here. What was I going to do, drink the water from the toiler? Yet again I was a victim of an incoherent and blindly irrational social system. I pointed that out to the lawyer, but I could tell was trying hard not to laugh. So I smacked him in the head with my soup pot. I immediately regretted doing that big time : it made an awful dent in my precious pot. As the guards were running towards me I shouted "PMS! PMS!". They immediately stopped and took a couple of steps back. Smart move on their part. I went back to my cell unescorted.
Day 93
This bright orange suit makes me look fat, and the color isn't flattering on me. I look like a cheese puff.
Day 94
I've been thinking. Why orange? And what happened to freedom of choice in our modern world? Maybe orange to spot us easily in case of an escape. But bright fuchsia would work equally well and mainly would look better on me. I shall launch a campaign to get us fuchsia suits. I can argue to the authorities that fuchsia would be better for the soul. There are no elderly home, no nursery, no day care center, no hospital who use bright orange on their walls or elsewhere. And there is a good reason for that. Orange is a color that makes people alert and aggressive. Like we need to get inmates more aggressive that they already are? Hello?? Another major failing of our nonsense bureaucratic system which does more harm than good. And orange is not a happy color. Bright fuchsia on the other hand makes people think of lollipops and cotton candy. Happy and wholesome memories. The advantages of fuchsia over orange are so overwhelming that I feel this campaign will be a slam dunk.
Day 95
I've launched my campaign to get us bright fuchsia suits. First I went to see the guards with a petition. I explained to them that fuchsia would likely lower the aggression levels and that it would make their work environment safer. They laughed at the thought of the inmates being pissed off wearing fuchsia. They all signed looking forward to make fun of us. YES! All I care about is their support no matter the reason. I knew this would be a slam dunk.
Day 96
Today I went to see the major gang leaders. My spin was that fuchsia would help them and their crew get in touch with their feminine side. I got beaten up all day. Narrow minded testosterone worshippers, that's what you are. They did clearly demonstrate my point though, that orange makes people aggressive. With so many bruises on my face I am now a walking advertisement for soothing fuchsia suits. I call that progress. Now people will have no choice but to realize I'm right.
Day 97
I dreamed all night I was chased around the prison by some enraged fuchsia haters. But I had a holy golden soup pot on my head to protect me and so I was not afraid. I'm sure it meant I was on the right track with my campaign. Anyway, when I woke up I found an inmate lying unconscious on the floor of my cell.
07/26/2014 2:21pm
CharlesManson [WAR] attacked you! You won and hospitalized him for 50 minutes!
It was no fuchsia hater. It was only one of those "small b" bullies who seemed to be fascinated and completely obsessed with me for some reason. I don't really know how I managed to knock that one out. Me thinks sleeping with the soup pot on my head is turning me into a super-heroine with mysterious powers. I should try to paint it green and see if it will bring me even more luck.
Day 99
My support group member Robot asked me what was a "small b" bully. Gee he peeks in my diary too? I now suspect him of being the leak since the support group meetings are held in my cell. I shall watch him closely. For the record by "small b" bully I mean someone with stats that can be compared to mine or someone with relatively weak stats enjoying comfortably the membership of a big alliance. They typically would have no real reason to attack me (I mainly mind my own business) and are only throwing a temper tantrum at me. As opposed to being one of the really scary people with scary stats in SD, who can actually back up their own threats. Wait... I have written those last lines as if I was writing for an audience. This is getting weird. And out of control. I honestly don't know why I keep writing the diary. I have people getting upset over things I write when I'm not even talking about them. It's insane.
Day 98
I was walking by the prison billboard when I saw a hit on me up there. What? that expired hit is still there? It hadn't expired for very long I think, but still how strange... I tried to rip the sheet off, but it's like someone had glued it with super glue. It wouldn't move. It must be one of those fuchsia haters. Well, actually it could be a lot of other people. But for sure this is a conspiracy.
Day 99
Ah, the hit was finally removed. Maybe it's also part of the conspiracy.
Day 100
Hope, at last! A guy named 50Cal came to me in confidence and told me he liked my fuchsia suit idea. He said it would bring out the purple in his flag. Now, that's a man secure enough to wear fuchsia! YES! Converting one inmate at the time! 50Cal... I wonder what that nickname means though. 50 calories? Per day? Maybe he's anorexic. If that's the case then he could certainly use my support group.
Day 101
Thinking about organizing a seminar about how fuchsia is a different color than pink. There might be some confusion in the general prison population, and that could explain the mostly hostile reactions.
Day 103
It's summer and it's been so hot for the past two days. Inmates move slow and stay near their fans in their cells instead of beating up each other. It's kind of quiet.
Day 105
Nothing much happening. Doing some work for the warden and shopping for my cell. It's going well. Found a couple of objects for my cell which will help my training.
Day 107
Rumor has it there is a serial foot licker amongst us. Aka a foot fetishist. Everybody is on edge.
Day 108
We are used to having serial killers here but serial foot lickers that is a whole new threat level. That foot fetishist is said to subdue the toughest of the toughest guys by tickling the bottom of their feet while they sleep. There is absolutely no defense against that. When this maniac has full control over them, then he sucks their big toes. If you get your big toe sucked then it's game over for you here, no one will ever respect you, ever. So a lot of very influential people are taking this serial foot tickler very seriously.
Day 109
A well-known gang leader has been seen going around with only one sock... was he a victim of the serial foot licker?? I would not be surprised if this sick person was taking trophies.
Day 110
There is a serial foot licker hysteria developing in prison right now. I've not removed my shoes or my socks for three days and I'm not washing my feet. I'm hoping for mold to grow between my toes. Everybody else is using the stinking feet defensive strategy.
Day 111
The prison guards threatened to go on strike if nothing was done about the foul odor coming from the inmates shoes. They said it could be hazardous to their health and that they could not work in that environment.
Day 112
There was a riot today after the prison authorities ordered every inmate to take off their shoes and wash their feet. No way we were going to comply.
Day 113
The fire department came with their high pressure water hoses to break the riot and they almost flooded the entire prison. And water had such a high pool chlorine smell... our feet were washed and disinfected against our will! Yet another example of how invasive big government can be. The right to wash or not to wash is as fundamental as the right to put the food I want in my own body. Which is the reason why I ended up in prison. Well, kinda.
Day 114
How are we supposed to protect ourselves against the serial foot licker now that our feet are squeackly clean? They can't put a police officer in front of each and every cell. We have a right to self-defense. If they cannot protect us against dangerous people they themselves put in the same prison as us... we certainly have the right to keep and bear shoes on our feet. It's a natural extension of the 2nd amendment. No doubt about it.
Day 115
I found a sock in my cell with a message in it... if was from H-I-M! It said:
"Dear Hyppolita, would you make those retards stop rioting for God's sake. I need calm to get through my daily hangover and now I'm soaking wet on top of everything. It is so dumb to think smelly feet will disgust me. I love feet, all kinds of feet, and everything about them. Feet can be smelly, it's the way they are. So of course I love smelly. DUH! But anyway tell those half-brained bigots I only engage in consensual erotic activities and that I happen to be turned on by women's feet and not by men's, So they can all calm down and return to their cells. As for you sweetie let me know if you ever feel like experimenting. You have no idea how erotic it can be for a woman to have me taking care of her feet. I will send you to seventh heaven, trust me on that babe. Whenever you are ready hang that sock on a bar of your cell and I will come.
Anonymously yours truly, the feet worshipper".
Day 116
I am still disturbed by the message I received yesterday. I don't know... for some reason I think it would be kind of... nice to have my feet worshipped. But at the same time I am scared.
Day 117
ooooooooohhhhhh....... ahhhhhhhhhh...... ooooooooohhhhhh....... ahhhhhhhhhh......oh yes... yes.... YES!
Day 118
I had the most erotic experience of my life yesterday. That man did things to my feet I could never have imagined. He is more than good, he is a GOD. I hope he can come back tonight because I want more.
Day 119
I expect him later and I can't wait. He has asked me to be less loud this time or he will have to gag me. With him I can't guarantee anything but I will try my best as I know he could be persecuted if identified. Why so much prejudice... if only people knew.
Day 120
A couple days ago, Demolition turned into a zombie and bit me (no he's not the serial foot licker). I thought it was a dream, initially. Mainly because my fight with Demolition ended in a draw. No way that could happen on planet earth, so obviously it was on purpose that my life was spared. Now I'm starting to feel weird. Great. Now what?! I have been playing a lot of zombie games so I was totally prepared for a zombie invasion, but I never thought I could actually be the zombie. I'm kind of upset about the timing. I bought a XBox One yesterday and have not tried it yet. I don't even have a last will and testament. I finally settled on taking a massive dose of vitamin C in the hope of boosting my immune system. Let's wait and see.
Day 121
I'm still feeling weird but I don't think I have turned into a zombie yet. In my favorite zombie game one of my scavengers had found a chainsaw. The sound effects of that game are very realistic and I used to love listening to the sound of that chainsaw slash into a zombie. It was priceless. Now for some reason I don't think it's so cool anymore. I think it's disgusting actually. Is there some kind of Zombie Protection Society? I need to make a complaint against their inhumane treatment in computer games.
Day 121
My secret lover aka the serial foot licker gave me a G-string to wear during our next erotic foot massage session. I told him that I'M NOT IN THE MOOD CAUSE I'M TURNING INTO A ZOMBIE. RAAAARRRR! He replied that zombie feet didn't scare him. Wow. Talk about the power of a fetish.
Day 122
My cell expansion plans are now 30% complete. I cannot let a zombie bite bring my whole life to a halt.
Day 123
OrRrR Ooo Roo Aaaaa ORrr grrRRRRRRr Rrrrrr ara RrRAaA sRRR oOOrrRr RaaAaAAa rRRAaAAAA UHHhhhHH GggrrR uUURR GRR ara RaA nuurg Aaaaa!!
(http://zombietranslator.net/)
Day 124
Ooo ooRrr ggGgRRR gRrRr ara rrAaaa rRroo Aaaaa Ooooo orRR rAaa Ooo grRr Ooooo!!
Day 220
The serial foot licker and a very strong girl have tackled me and force fed me some anti-zombie antidote. Damn! I was really enjoying myself being brain dead.
Day 221
I need a support group session bad because I'm really depressed about returning to my human state. There is nothing wrong with being a zombie! It's only an alternative lifestyle choice.
Day 222
Wow, a lot of people actually came to my support group session, the most ever! Usually, there is only Robot and me (odd, he's not here today). I noticed a woman with glasses doodling on a notepad amongst the participants. Like the others she didn't seem to have enjoyed her experience as a zombie. Not at all, and much to my surprise. And so I decided to shut up about my positive experience. Then people started crying and hugging each other, the standard support group stuff. That made one of the participants very aggressive. I know the guy. He acts like a zombie, but he isn't one. He only has a bunch of unresolved personal issues. Darn, I shouldn't have let him in.
Same Day - Caissa's diary
I'm starting a diary for the first time since high school. Its time to
turn over a new leaf. This girl invited me to her support group for
people who have got turned into zombies. Its time to work on myself and I really don't feel good about that all biting and brain eating stuff. They say that in wine there is truth, so i was kind of wondering if some part of ourselves that we're hiding comes out when we get zombified, you know? Well anyway i went to the meeting with a fresh notebook and two pens, because i hate it when a pen runs out of ink or you drop it and it rolls under some smelly guy and you have to ask for it or look weird getting it.
Things went well at first, we all shared our names and admitted that we had been zombies in the past, most from fights but a few from getting dog bites. The last guy to share though, well we couldn't understand him all he said was larrgh... mruhhahahaa and stuff like that. It seemed like he was being passive aggressive or something. Well, i was half right on that, because he got super aggressive when someone tried to give him a hug and started biting and scratching and did this eyerolling thing that will just about stop your heart. I think in the future we should be more specific that we mean people who have had the zombie virus but have RECOVERED. Back in my cell now, wondering if i should try to get my notebook back from the meeting room. Its still got 98 fresh pages plus two pages of doodles from the first part of the meeting before the zombie berserker... the flame thrower... the fire extinguisher and all that yelling and screaming.
Day 223
I found Caissa's notepad in my cell while trying to do a little cleaning. My God did I do some hoarding while I was a zombie. My cell is much too small to use all those training items. It's going to take months doing surveys for the warden before I get a cell big enough to use all those training items.
Day 224
One neat thing about having been a zombie is that I have assembled a large collection of documentaries, movies and games dealing with world-ending disasters or post-apocalyptic worlds. I remember watching them all day when I was a zombie. My favorite is about the real possibility of a meteor colliding with the earth, like what may have happened to the dinosaurs. Captivating. And of course any scenario involving a deadly virus epidemic is very entertaining. But that's not even the tip of the iceberg!
Day 225
I'm seriously considering starting a diary about all the ways in which the human race - or the earth itself - can be annihilated. Fascinating.
Day 226
I've been so absorbed by my new project that I just noticed I've not seen the serial foot licker for nearly a week. I've looked around the prison but there was no sign of him. I even hung a sox on the my cell door as a lure. That used to work all the time. Maybe he found a way to realize his dream : get out of prison and open a shoe store. I can't help but feel jealous at the thought of all these other feet being lustfully looked at, and so well taken care of. Sigh. What do these feet have, that mine don't have?? I don't know if I will see the serial foot licker again, but he was the most creative and sophisticated man I ever met. He sure knew how to please a woman.
Day 227
That HyppoZombie was such a hoarder. I wasn't surprised to find under my bed a bunch of DVDs with every locker auction show that was ever made. I also found countless documentaries and movies about tornadoes, earthquakes, hurricanes, tsunamis, floods, mudslides, wildfires and of course pandemics. Any natural disaster you can think of. They were annotated according to their "doomsday potential". Most of these had below D+. That's the note given to the 1201 Egypt and Syria earthquake, the deadliest in history. The event as well as its aftermath are believed to have claimed the lives of 1.1 million people. The bubonic plague of 1347-1350, aka The Black Death, understandably got a C-, having wiped out 33% of the entire population of Europe. Not bad. But the best note went to the Plague of Justinian. That first recorded outbreak of the bubonic plague got a C for having killed between 25% to 50% of the known world from 541 to 750.
Day 228
I just made a groundbreaking realization. All this doomsday evaluation demonstrates that zombies are capable of learning some alphabet. At least 6 letters, from A to F. How exciting! They might not be as brain dead as people previously assumed they were. I need to find a zombie scientist that will take my discovery seriously. And one day, hopefully, people might stop discriminating against zombies. They deserve to be understood, not to be hunted down... Sadly prejudice is as old as the world itself.
Day 229
I'm not even halfway through all the stuff the HyppoZombie hoarded. She had lots of stuff about supervolcanoes and the VEI - the volcanic explosive index. That index can go from 0 (effusive) to 8 (apocalyptic), and is the coolest thing.
0=Effusive; 1=Gentle; 2=Explosive; 3=Catastrophic; 4=Cataclysmic; 5=Paroxysmic; 6=Colossal; 7=Mega-colossal; 8=Apocalyptic
Hyppozombie drew a zombie smiley next to the apocalyptic category and gave supervolcanoes a nice B-.
Day 230
That HyppoZombie was so smart. I'm not really surprised though, since she used to be me. Anyways, looking through her supervolcano stuff I learned that a VEI 8 eruption (the Toba eruption, 70 000 years ago) might have nearly wiped out early humans from the planet. Now we're talking doomsday! Six billion tons of sulphur dioxide released into the atmosphere, clouding the sun, might have caused a volcanic winter that lasted to up to a decade. And that was followed by a thousand year of cooling! Around 50,000 years ago, the early human population had shrunk to around 3,000 to 10,000 individuals only. Some scientists do not believe that the Toba eruption is the cause of this human brush with extinction though. But I don't know more because the HyppoZombie scratched and bit and drooled all over that part. She obviously didn't appreciate doubts being casts over one of her favorite doomsday scenarios. Standing up for our beliefs is always good, so good for her! I'm proud of her.
Day 231
Received a letter this morning. I knew there had to be someone, somewhere, who would take me and the HyppoZombie seriously!
(note to reader : thanks to a fellow inmate for this guest diary entry!).
Dear Ms. HyppoZombie,
A hearty mwhuahahahaa to you as well! Thank you for your interest in our work in cataloguing the world's greatest disasters both real and potential. Its so hard to pick a favorite, but since you asked, I've always been partial to the Yellow River flood that killed between 900,000 and 2,000,000 in 1887. Its no Bubonic Plague, but it was swift and completely unexpected. Cyclones, Tsunamis and Floods are often overlooked by Western disaster specialists. Thank you also for your donation of a hunk of zombie flesh, its quite fresh even though it was in an envelope for some days. Its fluids did make a goodly portion of your letter illegible so please advise if there is more that we can do for you.
Sincerely,
Dr. Dumas Day
Professor emiritus of Apocalyptics
Meggido University
Day 233
Have tried to reach Dr. Day for the past two days. I had so much more to contribute to the advancement of zombie science. Learned that he has been committed to a mental hospital. Why is this happening? Why now? Life has been so unfair and cruel to me.
Day 234
Bingo! Forget about natural disasters, that's for sissies. The HyppoZombie had discovered that the greatest threats to life will come for outer space! An asteroid or comet impact come naturally to mind of course, but there are so much more. What I like about asteroids though is that we don't have a way to track them all. Scientists might very well notice one coming when it's already too late to do anything about it. An asteroid could very well impact the Earth like... right now.... Or... NOW. Or in 5 seconds... 5-4-3-2-1- NOW! This is what I call living on the edge! How exhilarating!
Day 235
Been browsing the HyppoZombie's best doomsday files before a big asteroid smashes into the Earth. Like... NOW! Of little interest to me are solar storms, who could send humanity back to the Stone Age by destroying electronics and fusing conductive wires everywhere. Not destructive enough for my taste. But the HyppoZombie seemed to appreciate the potential mayhem this occurrence would probably unleash. The only real cool thing is that a major solar storm happened on July 23, 2012 and barely missed the Earth. So I could have been going about my normal business on that day and it would have happened like... NOW!
Day 236
Fellow inmates keep raiding my empty cell and attacking me when I sleep. Don't they have anything better to do knowing the world could be ending like... NOW?
Day 237
I was kind of disappointed today. I had been putting a lot of faith into gamma ray bursts. As far as I could understand, these powerful beams are emitted when a star turns into a supernovae, for instance. Then the burst could hit the Earth and BOOM! Massive lethal radiation exposure! Ozone layer crippled! But gamma bursts are a rare occurrence. To be dangerous they would need to originate in the Milky Way and no farther. They would also need to be oriented relative to Earth. Won't be holding my breath. Sigh.
Day 238
Today I had an intellectual orgasm watching a documentary about the sun turning into a supernova. It cannot get better than this. For sure the sun WILL die and when it does it WILL engulf the Earth. Ok, it is only 5.6 billion years from now, but the process of the sun dying will have destroyed all life on earth well before that, about 600 millions years from now. I spent the rest of the day doing cartwheels in the cafeteria and giving high-fives to whoever I ran into. I feel euphoric right now and I love it.
Day 239
I'm really enjoying shouting DOOM at the top of my lungs in the prison backyard. I could do that all day. It makes me feel so alive!
Day 240
One smartass tried to ruin my doomsday bliss. While I was shouting DOOM, he pointed out humans will likely have migrated to other planets or galaxies before the sun dies. Oh yeah? So what?! You are a dumbass and a naysayer, mister! Even the Universe itself will not always be as we know it. It won't be forever a friendly place for carbon-based life. Or so say the theories about the fate of the universe that the HyppoZombie neatly compiled in a file labelled A+. Bottom line is : we can try to run. We can try to hide. But obliteration is inevitable. Resistance is futile (I heard that before, somewhere...). There is no escape from doom, Mr. Naysayer, and we should all be celebrating that!
Day 240
I tracked down the naysayer of yesterday. I got real close to his stupid face and started shouting : "Big Freeze! Heat Death! Big Rip! Big Crunch! Big Bounce! False Vacuum! And what about a collision-filled Multiverse!". The naysayer actually punched me in the face before I could name all these wonderful theories about the ultimate fate of the universe (and by extension the gloomy faith of carbon-based life). But I'm confident I did get my point across.
Day 241
Someone who once attended my support group session stopped by my cell today. She kindly suggested I might be suffering from zombie post-traumatic stress. Otherwise known as Z-PTS... L.O.L!! I think I laughed at the thought all day. I'm not sick, unless feeling nothing but joy and happiness is a disease. But, later that evening, I became overcame by doubt. I might have some issues indeed. I did call someone a dumbass and a smartass two days ago. I never, ever, used that kind of language before. Perhaps I'm having some anger management issues. Mmmmm.... Food for thought.
Day 242
I'm pretty excited! After working on my cell for so long, I'll finally be able to start training again! whooohooo! Moving back to Arizona until I'm too bulky for them. I just hope nobody sees me when I'm training because my cell is still crappy. I'm having a self-confidence crisis. Wait... I guess that doesn't matter since the world could be ending... NOW! See!!!! One little doom thought and all the negativity in me vanished! This whole doomsday set of mind does wonders. I never had a better outlook on life.
Day 243
Arizona is a strange place. Nobody around here ever heard of fuchsia suits or knows what a serial foot-licker is. I'd usually say I have my work cut out for me, but I don't think I will be staying here for very long. I don't have much training to do until they ship me back to SD.
Day 244
Oh crap. My training consultant says I'm not ready for power training yet. More waiting, arrrggghhhhh!!!!!!!! I'm not sure I'll be waiting here because Arizona is sooooo quiet. I can hear the echo of my own gum bubble bursting. It's that quiet here.
Day 245
I was thinking. There is one thing I'd like to do before the asteroid strikes. I still haven't beaten the rock-paper-shiv record. Who's that number one guy anyway? I need to hire someone to beat the crap out of him. Just as in insurance in case I don't beat his score before the world ends. That would be a shame.
Day 246
Oddly enough I found a dvd with some Doctor Who episodes on them - the modern series. I used to watch the classic series when I was little. I remember having a big crush on the fourth Doctor, except when he would try to stop the Daleks."Exterminate! Exterminate!" How cute they were! And how cute was little me, the mini-Hyppolita, already into anything wanting to exterminate everything! The Daleks were made of cheap cardboard but they were sure trying their best to create havoc. Maybe I will watch some modern episodes tomorrow. It's so quiet here and I'm bored.
Day 247
Whooooooaaaaaaa!!! In one of the modern Doctor Who episodes, of bunch of extraterrestrials gather to witness... the sun turning into a supernova and engulfing the Earth!! Whooooooaaaaaaa!!! For the occasion, the guests in the spaceship decide to listen to "an old earth ballad". And that's Toxic, by Britney Spears. Starting now Toxic is my favorite song ever. Oh.... I better keep that a secret. Those SD people will beat the crap out of anyone listening to Britney Spears. That's like a major crime. I'd even say a mega-crime. Probably a death sentence. And I have no death wish because I want to be alive when that asteroid annihilates all life forms on Earth.
Day 248
A bunch of AZ guys cornered me in the yard and let me know in a threatening way I had to stop listening to Britney Spears. I shouted back at them : would you rather that I listen to BOY GEORGE and the Culture Club? You don't know who he is? Well trust me, knowing you guys you probably wouldn't enjoy that at all. Ok then, would you rather I listened to the SPICE GIRLS?? No??? Then.... B-A-C-K.... O-F-F! It worked and they went scattered around the yard pretty quickly. Hey, I kind of enjoyed that whole intimidation thing. Never had tried it before. Intimidation is in total contradiction with my political and moral beliefs, but hey, I figured there was no harm in trying it. Just that one time.
Day 249
Christmas is not Christmas if it isn't a white Christmas. I should ask for a transfer back to South Dakota soon. They are serious about snow.
Day 250
In the spirit of Christmas, I've been thinking about how I could become a better person next year. One thing I deeply regret is calling other inmates "Neanderthals" at times. It was so unfair to the Neanderthals, because they were actually pretty sophisticated and evolved. For instance, they had a fully developed language centre in their brain, something which seems to be lacking in some of my fellow inmates. Other than that, Neanderthals were not too different from the average AZ or SD prisoner: they too cared for their injured, buried their dead, and appreciated clothing as well as music. Not using them as an insult is also a matter of self-respect. A small fraction of my DNA is Neanderthal after all. It's not just me. All non African humans do carry Neanderthal DNA.
Day 251
Humans and Neanderthals breeding.... making love, not war (obviously, if they were busy making babies)... Spreading knowledge of this ground-breaking fact has the potential to bring about world peace. Wow, I'm proud of me. I have this Christmas spirit thing nailed down. Totally!
Day 252
There is way too much gloom and not enough joy in this prison. Christmas is around the corner for God's sake! I need to do something about it.
Day 253
Decided I would organize a winter theme slumber party for Christmas. I'm going to show "Snowball Earth", one of my favorite movies. It is not technically a movie, it is a documentary. But it is even more fun and exciting to watch. Also, snowballs fit the seasonal theme perfectly.
Day 254
My slumber party is guaranteed to bring some Holiday cheer around here. Much needed cheer. That Snowball Earth stuff is so fascinating. Who wouldn't be mesmerized at the thought of the Earth being entirely frozen, covered in ice for millions of years?! Some believe one such glaciation happened over 650 millions ago and triggered a massive life extinction. Whoohooo!! Very COOL stuff! Other rogue scientists rather believe in a Slushball Earth, an Earth that never entirely froze. I don't even want to hear about it. Eeeewww. Slushballs... disgusting..
Day 255
A lot of people showed up at my Christmas slumber party! I was very pleased by the turnout. But I don't remember any of it after I started the Snowball Earth documentary. Some people told me afterwards I seemed to be hypnotized. All I did all night was stare at the TV screen and drool profusely. And after the documentary was over, I started it again, and watched it over and over again... Nobody knows how many times exactly, because all my guests had left by the time I snapped out of that hypnotic state. The good doomsday stuff has always that effect on me. I guess that's because I'm still in touch with my zombie experience. That's good, because anyone's emotional balance and mental can be impacted negatively by suppressed memories. In a very big way. But I wished I would not drool that much as soon as some cataclysm is mentioned. You wouldn't believe the amount of laundry I have to do nowadays.
Day 256
I stayed in my cell today, just relaxing. I had some dark chocolate with coconut (classic combination), with cranberries (refreshingly cute) and with sesame seeds (intriguing taste). I also read a book about how ordinary men can turn into monsters and commit the worst atrocities in times of war.
Day 257
Got a chocolate hangover. I should have known better. So I stayed again in my cell today, doing some more reading. But it was French magazines this time. I enjoy reading them because they are full of those psychological self-tests with multiple-choice questions. Two of them stood out from the rest. The first one was "for how long would you survive a zombie attack?". I didn't even take that test. Of course I would survive, like, for all my life. Zombies would know instinctively I care about their feelings and would adopt me as one of their own. Slam dunk. The second self-test was "for how long would you survive in a post-apocalyptic world?". I got 72%, which meant according to the magazine that I would survive for a year. Ummmm....
Day 258
I'm not sure these self-tests are reIiable. 72%... I mean.... I know about every possible threat mankind is facing. I understand each one intimately. So obviously my post-apocalyptic readiness is probably one of the best mankind has witnessed except maybe for Noah. But anyway, even if these tests are not to be taken seriously, they still have the potential to be wonderful awareness tools. Shame they are in French, otherwise I would have distributed them to every inmate. The New Year is the perfect time to reflect on what the future holds for mankind.
http://hitek.fr/actualite/test-personnalite-temps-survie-monde-post-apocalyptique_4462
Day 259
OMG I'm running of of pages in my diary. And the warden doesn't want to give me more paper. Any kind of paper. He says the Hyppo-Zombie already stole some insane amount from his office. What to do? I can't live without a diary, It's the only thing I feel keeps me sane. Maybe the world is going to end tomorrow and so I won't need paper anymore. That's rather comforting. That is why I love doomsday scenarios : there is hardly any problem that can't be solved by some cataclysm.
Day 260
Time to wish a Happy New Year to my fellow inmates.
IRL : and yes, I seem to have reached the allowed lenght of a PB profile. Not sure what I will do with the diary yet!
Day 261
Some people think I'm weird... well what about this : just saw an Hippopotamus in Columbia get castrated on TV. Close shot and all. And yes, in Columbia because they were imported there by drug lord Pablo Escobar. They multplied since, and now roam into the wild, sometimes killing people and cattle. I never considered killer hippos in my list of natural cataclysms. I will think about it when I'm a bit less disturbed by the hippo castration images I now have in my head. Eeeww. "